Rome, Episode 1: The Stolen Eagle Recap

We open with a bunch of gibberish about the situation in Rome, with a narrator detailing the love/hate relationship between Julius Caesar and old ass Pompey over a map of the Western World. Apparently, there's a storm a brewin' between the two old friends and once Caesar whips up on the heathen Gauls, who he's been at war with for, like, seven straight years, he's coming for that fucking throne. Everybody got that?

Okay, good. So, the show proper opens on a battle in Gaul between the Romans and the Gauls and we focus right away on two of the Romans. The first is a stern, uptight looking dude who looks like a commander of some sort. This is Lucius Vorenus, all around bad ass and fate's bitch. The other is a total degenerate named Titus Pullo. He's also a bad ass but he doesn't give a fuck about anything other than fighting and fucking and hey, why not, you know? We know this because he dives out of formation to start whipping up on those heathen Gauls which of course pisses off Vorenus who tells Pullo to get his ass back in formation. Pullo is all FUCK THAT and punches Vorenus in the face. Vorenus knocks him out in response and some dudes drag an unconscious Pullo away from the battle.

We're back at camp now and Vorenus has Pullo strung up and is having him whipped for being a degenerate and insubordinate. Vorenus gets all self righteous and bitches about discipline. Pullo is untied and is dragged away and is all LOL WHATEVER DUDE.

Meanwhile, Caesar sits on his makeshift throne and accepts the surrender of the Gallic chieftain, some hairy ass degenerate. He's stripped naked and forced to kiss Caesar's standard, a Golden Eagle. All of the soldiers go wild and chant Caesar's name.

Pullo watches all this from his little cell that they dragged him off to after his whipping and he's all WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON and some other prisoner is all WAR'S OVER, BRO and then details how the army is going to run wild through Gaul, taking slaves and killing and raping and all that wild shit and Pullo is all NOOOOOOOOOOO because that's what he lives for and he's missing this shit.

We cut away from that to Caesar reading a letter from his old friend Pompey, in which we learn that Pompey's wife, who also happens to be Caesar's daughter, died during childbirth. Caesar is all AWWW, SHIT, but he also realizes that now there's nothing really tying him to Pompey. Just then, THE BEST FUCKING CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF TV, Marc Antony shows up, all happy because he's Marc Antony, Caesar's number two and they just skullfucked Gaul, but he realizes that Caesar's all sad and shit and asks what's up. Caesar tells him the bad news and Antony is all SORRY BRO, but it's so forced that it's kinda hilarious. All Caesar seems to care about is that Pompey's gonna need a new wife.


We head to the city of Rome for the first time, where Pompey is mourning his dead wife. A servant shows up to tell him that more of Caesar's spoils from Rome just showed up. Pompey goes to survey the parade of gold and slaves and all that good shit. The citizens of Rome all chant Ceasar's name and Pompey looks all pissed off and jealous and shit. We then cut to a bunch of old ass rich dudes who bitch about the parade of valuables. Apparently, they are Senators - more specifically Cato, who's an old goat looking motherfucker and also the leading anti-Caesar dude in the Senate; Cicero, a chickenshit who's the leading moderate and also the dude with the golden tongue; and Scipio, who is basically Cato's flunky. This basically just establishes that the Senate is shook as fuck about the possibility of Caesar showing up and telling the people to fuck the Senate.

We cut to a scene of a stocky looking dude leading a white horse through the Roman streets, which are filled with degenerates and poor ass citizens. He gives the horse to some random servant outside of a building and then goes inside.

We then cut straight to the stocky dude getting fucked by some broad who we quickly find out is named Atia, Caesar's niece and all around uber-bitch. She's riding his fat ass, screaming and moaning and he's all FUCK THIS OWNS and apparently this is his fee for finding that white horse, which we learn Atia intends to send to Gaul to her uncle Julius Caesar as a present. Also, we learn the stocky looking dude is named Timon, also referred to as "The Horse Jew" so . . . yeah. They finish up and she's all BEAT IT LOSER and he's all WELL AT LEAST I GOT SOME ASS and I nod in agreement.

We then cut to Atia taking a bath in a huge pool. Some kid wanders in and we quickly realize that this is her son, Octavian, a Machiavellian little shit who is both smart and arrogant as fuck. He's also a fucking sociopath. Anyway, Atia stands up, buck ass naked and is all WHAT IS IT BOY and his face is all AWWWWW SHIT COME ON MOM. She tells him to join her and I'm all UHHHHHH WHAT? but then she turns around and leaves, slips on a robe and it turns out she just wants him to join her in the other room. Oh, okay, phew!

Anyway, she tells Octavian that she bought the horse for Caesar and since it's time he stop being a weak ass little kid, he needs to accompany the horse to Gaul. He whines because Gaul is dangerous as shit but she tells him to stop being such a little pussy because he'll be surrounded by servants and slaves and shit. While they are talking, a slave fusses with something or other and accidentally bumps into Octavian, who casually bitch slaps the slave and everyone just keeps going on like he just swatted a mosquito or something. Anyway, she explains to Octavian that she wants to make sure that Caesar gets their present before he gets back to Rome and everybody starts showering him with gifts. It's not enough that they're family, they need to get in good with the big man. Octavian thinks this is bullshit but his mom is a domineering bitch so he does what he's told.

We cut to old ass Pompey presiding over the Senate, who are bitching and moaning about various bullshit. There are three different groups - the fervent Republicans who all hate Caesar and think he's a war criminal or some shit, led by Cato; the moderates, led by Cicero; and Caesar's boys, who all boo the shit out of Cato whenever he slanders their dude. There is also a senile old fucker who bangs the floor with a giant stick and is basically the Senate judge or some shit. His voice sounds like that of a man who smokes 3 packs a day and he always looks like he's on the verge of death. Anyway, Cato is all YO FUCK CAESAR THAT DUDE IS A CRIMINAL WHY HASN'T HE TURNED HIS ARMY OVER TO ROME YET WHAT'S HE UP TO and Caesar's dudes are all AYO FUCK YOU CATO. Apparently, Cato thinks that Caesar is conducting an illegal war and basically wants to throw his ass in jail. Everyone hollers back and forth and Pompey is all SHUT UP CATO CAESAR IS MY FRIEND and Cato and his boys start bitching. Just then, Cicero stands up and is all YO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET POMPEY TALK and Pompey is grateful but Cicero isn't done. Instead he keeps on talking and says some shit about how Caesar is a hungry wolf and while it's true you shouldn't attack a hungry wolf you can't just sit back and do nothing either. Cato is all THEN WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO CLIMB A TREE? and everyone laughs at Cicero's cowardly ass. Pompey is all ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT CAESAR IS MY BRO AND I WILL NEVER BETRAY HIM and then he stomps out. This is, of course, a bunch of horseshit.

We cut to Pompey sitting in a crowd and watching some sort of play, which features a bunch of naked whores and some dude prancing around with a giant fake penis. Everyone's laughing and shit and just then Cato and his boy Scipio show up and Pompey is all WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UPTIGHT ASSHOLES DOING HERE? Cato and Scipio are all YO THIS ISN'T OUR SCENE BUT YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT SCIPIO'S DAUGHTER NOW THAT YOU'RE SINGLE, BRO. Pompey looks her over and she's an ugly old lady and he's all MEH THANKS ANYWAY. She, for her part, is all shook because it's not appropriate for a noble woman like her to be hanging around a bunch of degenerates and watching porn. Prude.

Cato then takes Pompey aside and is all WE NEED YOU BRO. He tells him that the Senate can't take Caesar down alone and neither can Pompey. They need each other. Pompey considers it but in the end is all YOU WANT ME TO BETRAY MY FRIEND AND I JUST CAN'T DO IT, HOLMES. Cato is disappointed, but shit, at least he has Pompey considering it.

Meanwhile, Octavian gets set to depart for Gaul and this is where he meet his older sister, Octavia, who fawns over her little bro and gives him a ring for good luck on his trip.

The next morning, Octavian sets out for Gaul, surrounded by slaves. Atia is all YOU BRING MY BOY BACK SAFELY OR I'LL CUT OUT YOUR CHILDREN'S EYES and the slave is all YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Meanwhile, back at Pompey's, his chief slave is telling him that the horse he ordered him to buy was already sold. Of course, this is the same white horse that Atia bought for Caesar and Pompey is all MAN FUCK CAESAR DOES THAT ASSHOLE HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING? He takes aside his slave and is all SINCE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN GAUL ANYWAY . . .

We cut back to Caesar's camp, where some soldiers stand around, doing soldierly shit, when suddenly some dudes painted blue show up and kill them. They steal Caesar's Golden Eagle and haul ass.

The next morning, Titus Pullo is sitting in his cell, drawing an enormous cock and balls that is spurting out jizz everywhere. Heh. Elsewhere, some rich looking dude shows up in camp and Caesar is all BRUTUS MY BOY. Uh . . . maybe not, Caesar. Brutus is all SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER but it's said with the same sort of perfunctory off handedness as Marc Antony's condolences earlier. Caesar is all FUCK IT, SHIT HAPPENS and the two of them sit down to eat. Caesar is all HOW'S YOUR MOM DOING and it's obvious that the two of them have a history of fucking and Brutus tells him that she misses him and wants some letters and Caesar is all YEAH YEAH and tells Brutus that he has some letters for him to take back. Marc Antony then shows up, slaps Brutus on the back and actually says, "Brutus, me old cock! What are you doing here?" Me old cock? Brutus, the old cock, is all OH MAN THIS GUY??? but Antony quickly moves on and is all YO BOSS I NEED SOME GOLD. Caesar asks him what he needs it for in a way that shows how little he really trusts Antony and Antony tells him he needs it to recover the stolen Golden Eagle. Caesar gives him some gold and tells him that it better all be accounted for when he's done. Antony's all YEAH YEAH WHATEVER.

Antony leaves and Brutus is all MAN ANTONY SUCKS HOW CAN YOU STAND HIM and Caesar's all YEAH HE'S AN ASS BUT HE HAS HIS USES. He then explains to Brutus that the soldiers are all demoralized because some asshole stole his standard and if he doesn't get it back, shit could hit the fan. Of course, Caesar is just spitting bullshit at Brutus in the hopes that he'll go back to Rome and tell Pompey how weak Caesar is so Pompey will slip up and attack him and Caesar can have the pretext to whip his old friend's ass.

We then cut to Octavian and his retinue riding slowly through the countryside. Octavian is asleep so his slave wakes him up by nudging him. Octavian is all DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME SLAVE and tells the slave to get him some water. Just then, an arrow goes through the slave's throat and OH SHIT IT'S ON. Indeed, a bunch of asshole Gauls jump out and raise hell, killing everyone. Octavian kicks a dude in the nuts and then hides in the bushes but he's quickly found by some asshole with gold teeth.

We cut back to camp, where Marc Antony tells Vorenus that since he's not a dumbfuck like most of the soldiers, he's putting him in charge of finding the stolen Golden Eagle. He asks Vorenus what he'd do and Vorenus says he'd crucify a bunch of fuckers and then bribe some dudes until someone gave him the good news. Antony is all DO IT and gives him the gold he got from Caesar - but not all of it. He makes sure to pocket some for himself.

Cut to Vorenus crucifying a bunch of dudes. They all scream in pain and Vorenus is all SHIT WE CAN DO THIS ALL FUCKIN' NIGHT IF YOU WANT until one of them breaks and tells Vorenus that some Blue Spaniards stole the Golden Eagle. Vorenus orders the soldiers with him to cut the dudes down and the soldiers all grumble because they just spent all day crucifyin' and now they have to spend all night uncrucifyin'.

Back in Pullo's cell, meanwhile, he's praying to the gods, saying he'll kill a lamb or at least a few pigeons if he's set free. Just then the door swings open and a guard is all YO GET UP. Sorry, pigeons. Anyway, Vorenus stomps in and the guard tells Pullo that he's being released to Vorenus and if he does his duty to Vorenus' satisfaction, then Pullo can have his life spared. Pullo's all FUCK THAT VORENUS IS AN ASSHOLE but the guard tells him that these orders are straight from Marc Antony and explains all the bullshit with the Golden Eagle. Pullo just laughs and is all WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?

Back in Rome, Brutus delivers Caesar's letter to his mom, who we find out is named Servilia. She looks like she's about 50, and like at one point - when Caesar actually knew her - she was probably pretty hot. She reads the letter and seems pretty happy but is all insecure, probably because she's all old and shit and after all, Caesar is married to another woman but her slave woman is all NAH HE ONLY WANTS TO FUCK YOU and she seems happy.

Vorenus and Pullo ride through the countryside, and Pullo won't shut up and yammers on about horse riding and Vorenus is all annoyed and demands that Pullo address him as Sir. Pullo is all YO THANKS FOR GETTING ME OUT OF JAIL EVEN THOUGH YOU OWED IT TO ME FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE. Vorenus just laughs at Pullo and tells him that the only reason he picked him for the job is because they're never gonna find that fucking eagle and Pullo was already fucked anyway so there you go. Pullo is all YEAH WELL THEN WHY SHOULDN'T I JUST KILL YOU NOW FUCKHEAD? Vorenus first says that Pullo's honor as a soldier should be enough of a reason but even if it isn't, well then he'll just have to rely on his superior fighting skills to kick Pullo's ass. Pullo just sort of laughs and is all YEAH OKAY WHATEVER but it's clear our boys are developing a rapport.

Meanwhile, back in Rome, Servilia is throwing a party and Brutus is all shitfaced and talking smack about the Gauls. Servilia, Octavia and her chump assed husband, along with Pompey and a few others stand around listening to him talk shit and Pompey is all SHIT YOU SHOULD GO INTO POLITICS and Brutus starts drunkenly bitching about how his mom says that too but he finds politics dreadfully boring and basically he comes across in this scene like a spoiled rotten little pussy.

Servilia is all THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT and takes Brutus' goblet away from him and Pompey eases him away from the crowd so he can press him for info about Caesar. Brutus relays all of Caesar's bullshit about the soldiers being all whipped and depressed and Pompey is all HMMMMMM.

Meanwhile, Atia reads a letter from Caesar telling her to find another wife for Pompey from the family. Naturally, Atia takes this as an invitation to match up her own daughter with Pompey, but from the tone of Caesar's letter he doesn't really give a fuck.

We then cut to Octavian lying all tied up while his Gallic captors carouse. We then quickly cut back to Atia, kneeling in a temple, praying while drums and shit thump in the background. Above her, a bunch of priests stand on a platform with a bull. They cut its throat and HOLY FUCK THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD. Indeed, all of the blood spills down onto Atia, who just stands there and takes it all. A priest tells her that no harm will come to Octavian and, satisfied, she leaves.

Atia then takes a long bath - well, naturally - and casually asks Octavia how her marriage to her sadsack of a husband is going. Octavia says that at first it kinda sucked but now they love each other and everything is good. Atia is all TOUGH SHIT, BABY, CAESAR WANTS YOU TO MARRY OLD ASS POMPEY. Naturally, Octavia is all FUCK THAT but Atia says if she doesn't get a divorce from her husband, named Glabius, then Caesar will just have Glabius killed. Octavia huffs and pouts and is all HE WOULDN'T DARE but Atia is all YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THE DUDE'S BEEN IN GAUL FOR EIGHT YEARS HE'S BARELY HUMAN and Octavia is all OH SHIT.

We immediately cut to Octavia and her husband parting ways and Glabius is all shook and Atia is all LOL LOOK AT HIM, ALL CRYING LIKE A BITCH and Octavia is all I HATE YOU, MOTHER.

Next, Atia and Octavia are lounging around, eating a casual looking dinner with old ass Pompey. Atia is all HEY CAESAR IS GIVING YOU THIS YOUNG BITCH HERE DOESN'T THAT OWN and Pompey is all taken aback and then regains his composure and is all YEAH THAT'S VERY GENEROUS. Octavia looks miserable and then looks like she's going to be sick when Atia is all YOU CAN FUCK HER NOW IF YOU WANT. Pompey is all WELL . . .

We immediately cut to Octavia being stripped naked while Pompey watches. She then gets on the bed on all fours. GODDAMN.

Meanwhile, Vorenus and Pullo have decided to make camp for the night. Pullo can't stop talking about fucking and raping random villagers and shit and Vorenus is all MAN SHUT UP. Pullo is all YOU GAY, BRO? Vorenus is all FUCK THAT I GOT ME A WIFE AND SHE IS HOT AS SHIT. We find out that his wife's name is Niobe and that Vorenus basically worships her - or at least his memory of her. After all, it's been seven years and change since they've seen each other. Pullo is all HEY THAT'S NICE BUT HOW CAN YOU STAND BEING WITH ONLY ONE WOMAN? Vorenus asks him when was the last time Pullo had sex with a woman who wasn't some poor rapee or who wasn't a whore. Pullo is all GOOD POINT, BRO and then Vorenus falls asleep and tells Pullo to wake him in a few hours.

We immediately cut to the next morning and Pullo sleeping like a baby. Vorenus suddenly wakes up to the sound of their horses and all their gear being stolen. Whoops! Pullo is all AWWW SHIT MY BAD, BRO.

We next see Vorenus and Pullo traipsing through the wilderness on foot. Pullo is all YO THOSE HORSES SUCKED ANYWAY. Vorenus acts all put upon and bitches that his family has an honorable soldiering history and here he is, horseless and robbed by children. Just then, the two of them hear a clamor and then they see a bunch of asshole Gauls. Among them is little Octavian, being whipped like a bitch while he pulls a big ass cart behind him like an animal. One of the asshole Gauls ride the white horse that is meant for Caesar and Pullo deadpans "Nice horse." He and Vorenus share a look like LET'S DO THIS.

We then cut to Pullo and Vorenus mopping up on the asshole Gauls, killing all of them. Octavian is all THANKS, DUDES but they ignore him, as obviously they believe he's just some chump slave. But Octavian is all OH HELL NO DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM GAIUS OCTAVIAN, CAESAR'S NEPHEW. Pullo and Vorenus look amused and Pullo is all WHO? Octavian is all CUT ME LOOSE, FUCKERS. Pullo tells him to say please and Octavian swallows his pride for once and asks him to please cut him loose. Pullo does and Octavian staggers to his feet. He sees one of his captors trying to crawl away so he grabs a giant stick or something and bashes the fucker's head in. Pullo and Vorenus just stand there and watch, like it ain't no thing and then Vorenus hands Octavian some food. Heh.

Later, while Pullo and Vorenus loot the dead bodies, Octavian tells them that they will be rewarded when they get back to camp. But Vorenus is all SORRY SON WE GOT ORDERS TO FIND THAT FUCKING EAGLE. Octavian is all FUCK THAT, CAESAR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT NO DAMN EAGLE. Vorenus is annoyed and is all THEN WHY DID HE SEND US AFTER IT, HUH? Octavian patiently explains that losing the eagle is actually a good thing for Caesar. Both Vorenus and Pullo are all HUH? so Octavian tells them that Pompey is a superstitious old bitch and will take the Eagle being stolen as a sign that Caesar is weak. Of course, Caesar is actually very, very strong and so when Pompey attacks, Caesar will not only have his pretext for war but will also be able to take Pompey by surprise. Pullo is all BUT THEY'RE FRIENDS and Octavian explains to them that with Caesar's daughter/Pompey's wife dead, they don't have any real bonds left and that Pompey is a jealous old queen.

Vorenus and Pullo ponder this heavy shit for a moment but then Vorenus notices some blue paint on one of the carts. He's all OH SHIT and sure enough, he pulls back the curtain on the cart to reveal . . . Pompey's loyal slave. Oh shiiiiiiiit. The slave smacks Pullo and hauls ass with a bundle in his hand, but Vorenus just calmly picks up a spear and whips it at the dude, killing him. LOL. Seriously, man, the deaths are just so bad assed in their casualness. Anyway, the dude dies and when he does he drops the bundle, which falls open to reveal . . . the stolen Golden Eagle! Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit part deux.

Vorenus and Pullo then ride triumphantly back to camp, Octavian and the Golden Eagle in tow. All the soldiers cheer and go wild when they see their stolen standard returned. Caesar heads out of his tent to see what all the commotion is about, sees Octavian and is all WHAT THE FUCK? BOY, WHAT YOU DOING HERE? Of course, Octavian is, like, 14 and Caesar hasn't seem him in 7 years and I highly doubt that he would recognize his grand nephew who he last saw as a little seven year old or whatever but fuck it, who cares? It's a moment, you know?

Anyway, they all head to the tent, where Vorenus and Pullo present Caesar with the severed head of Pompey's slave. The motherfucker even has Pompey's name tattooed on his bald head, like a brand. Caesar is all OH SHIT IT'S ON NOW and Antony is all FUCK YEAH ABOUT TIME LET'S DO THIS SHIT.

Back in Rome, Pompey is posing for a sculptor making a bust of his head when someone comes in and slams a crate down on a table. Pompey is all THE FUCK? but then he opens it to find his slave's severed head along with a note from Caesar that's awesome as fuck. It reads: "Dearest Pompey, I believe the enclosed man belongs to you. A quick note to tell you I have decided to winter the 13th Legion closer to home at Ravenna, so I shall soon have the pleasure of paying you homage in person." Pompey is all OHHH FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

We then cut to Pompey's wedding. He walks down the aisle with his new wife, presumably Octavia. But she has on a veil so we can't tell for sure who it is. It's a big fucking party and all the citizens shout their hoorays and shit. They get on with the wedding and then Pompey is all HEY YO EVERYONE MEET MY NEW WIFE and she loses the veil and oh shiiiiiit it's that old hag from the porn show, Scipio's daughter, Cornelia. THE SHIT IS ON.

Meanwhile, back at Atia's place, Octavia is crying because she's been shamed. Well, yeah, she had to divorce her husband and then fuck some old man who dumped her for some old hag. That's gotta suck. Atia is all SHUT IT, GIRL and Octavia gets all petulant and is all FUCK POMPEY I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DEAD and Atia is all HELL YEAH UNCLE JULIUS IS ON HIS WAY, BABY.

And sure enough, we then cut to Caesar at the head of his army, marching away from their camp and from Gaul which has been set on fire and burns behind them.

PEOPLE WHO DIED: A bunch of random Gauls in battle, some Roman soldiers offed by the Blue Spaniards, the Blue Spaniards offed by Pullo and Vorenus, all of Octavian's slaves, Pompey's slave, some wounded dude merked by Octavian, and presumably the dudes who were crucified.

PEOPLE WHO FUCKED: Atia and Timon, Pompey and Octavia.

RAWEST DEATH: I would have to go with Octavian killing that one wounded dude after he was untied. He just got up, grabbed a stick and beat the fucker to death. Either that or Vorenus impaling Pompey's slave with a spear while he tried to run away.