Dallas Season 1, Episode 1

"Digger's Daughter"
4/2/78

This was the first episode of the mini series that is now referred to as season one. The episode opens with a newly married Pam and Bobby driving in Bobby's queer car. Pam keeps telling him that his family is going to hate her ass. This is probably because her daddy and big brother have a massive, throbbing hate boner for the entire Ewing clan. At her brother Cliff's behest, a bunch of senators are trying to gang rape Ewing Oil. Grizzled ass Jock heads out to the stables to find his ranch foreman Ray Krebbs. He tells Ray that his granddaughter Lucy has been missing a shit load of school and asks Ray to keep an eye on her for him. Ray tells Jock that he'll do it, but in fact he is the reason Lucy is missing school because they've been fucking like rabbits. This will all be really, really weird a few years from now. Pam and Bobby show up and Ray is kinda shook because apparently he used to tap that ass. Pam's, not Bobby's. Pam has been bitching about how Bobby needs to be more of a power figure in Ewing Oil and he tells her OK just to shut her up. Bobby introduces his wife to his mom, Miss Ellie, and she's like WTF? and calls Jock and tells him to get his happy ass the fuck home ASAP because Bobby got married and to bring JR with him.

The whole family assembles to meet Pam. JR and Sue Ellen pretend to be happy for them. Jock drinks whiskey and tells Pam to get Cliff to back the fuck off. Ray wishes them good luck as Lucy smirks. Then JR takes Pam for a walk and tries to buy her off. She turns him down and goes to bed in a huff. The next day she goes to clear her shit out of her apartment and is met there by her brother Cliff who is all WTF? about her marrying Bobby. Meanwhile Bobby is starting his first day as an exec at Ewing Oil. He asks for the safe combination so he can read the "Red File" which is apparently magical. JR gives him a bunch of papers, but hides the real "Red File", which he gives to his slut secretary to go put in a safe deposit box for him. Sneaky.

Cliff and Pam find their father, Digger, drunk at a bar, telling tales about wildcatting in the 30's and how Jock Ewing screwed him over. Pam tells him that she's married to Jock's youngest son and he gets all shades of pissed off and doesn't say anything, so Pam cries and runs away. This will become a recurring theme. Pam gets back to Southfork and sees Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen setting up for a party. She offers to help but they're bitches to her. Then Lucy is a bitch to her. JR tells Bobby he has to fly down to Austin to pay off some senators. It's part of Ray and JR's plan to ruin their marriage. Apparently this plan requires a helicopter. Ray takes Pam for a ride in the chopper. JR gives Bobby a ride to the airport and tells him he's stupid and Pam's a slut. Bobby says NU UH. JR decides to prove it and turns down a back road. Ray takes Pam for a walk and tries to put the moves on her but she shuts him down. Ray playfully tosses Pam into freezing water and they both laugh. They head to a nearby cabin where Ray starts a fire while Pam sits around in a blanket, waiting for her clothes to dry. Then JR and Bobby show up and Pam realizes she's been set up. She tells Ray that if he doesn't tell Bobby the truth that she'll tell JR about how Ray's been banging the shit out of Lucy. Ray caves like a bitch. Bobby walks in and is all WTF? Ray and Pam tell him that this is all JR's doing. Bobby gives Ray a stern warning and threatens to beat the shit out of JR before Pam stops him.

PEOPLE WHO BONED- Ray & Lucy, Pam & Bobby
PEOPLE WHO RAY PUNCHED- No one
MEMORABLE JR QUOTE- "I underestimated the newest Ewing. I surely won't do THAT again."