Power Rangers Zeo Golden Revelations and a Golden Homecoming

Have not reviewed episode 466 A Golden Shower.



Previously the Gold Ranger was introduced and it has been a big mystery who he is. So far the red herrings have been Billy, Tommy's brother David Trueheart and even Skull. If only the producers had the guts to do something that awesome.

Now we are at the start of the first of two parts. Gold Ranger is being hounded by this race of bounty hunters who are trying to kill him. We get a big chase scene with bounty hunter ships going after Gold Ranger's big flying pyramid called Pyramidas. The show attempting cgi effects for the first time. All things considered.it looks better than the movie CGI Megazord.

Gold Ranger ends up landing on Aquitar home of the despised fish rangers. Gold Ranger finally unmorphs and splits into three people. The guy from VR Troopers. Only so many triplets who are models and not terrible actors I guess. Like that Charles In Charge episode when Buddy and Charles appear to be dating the same girl but its triplets. Its obvious it has to be triplets because Buddy and Charles could get way hotter girls.

Anyway Gold Ranger is injured and if he does not give somebody the gold powers soon, they are gone forever. Zordan wants to teleport him to earth but King Mondo will have none of that and sets up some inteference field.

King Mondo is the big bad this season who drove off Zedd and Rita in the first episode. Mondo looks like somebody made a Jackie Gleason robot and dressed him like a king.

Speaking of Zedd and Rita they finally return here giving Goldar and Rito their memories back. Which is cool for them but makes he Bulk and Skull part of the show harder to watch.

They end up teleporting Gold Ranger to the Command Center but Billy can't cant tke the power because he ansorbed negative energy hen Goldar blew up the Command Center in the season 3 finale. But Tommy has just the guy.

In a Golden Homecoming its revealed to be Jason The original red ranger ho was wroe out of the show two years before (along with the Black and Yellow rangers) because they wanted more money.

One thing I like on tv shows is watching old characters return after a long absense. Its like in real life where you come home afte a year and things are not quie the same. Lots of little changes and one or two big ones. Favorite one on a tv show was Florida coming back for the last season of Good Times. In that time she was gone the other characters had changed. With Willona becoming the mother while each of the kid shifted their role. The last season was interesting watching Willona refusing to go back to the character of the sidekick.


Oh where was I? Oh yeah so Jason is back. Before he left he was the leader and the top dog. Watching those episodes, you can see a power struggle between Tommy and Jason. Tommy mania is running wild and Jason is the only character with equal popularity. Its mostly even except for Tommy gaining some poochie like qualities. The struggle ended when Austin St John (Jason) an the other two were fired.

So now Jason is back and the roles have been reversed with Tommy. He is the guy with the cool new suit and powers and Tommy is the Red Ranger and defacto top guy. Its weird seeing him interact with Rocky and Adam (the two remaining replacements) in scenes. But now its clearly on path to being the Jason and Tommy with four multi colored suits show again.

This episode Goldar and Rito get their memories back fully.With Goldar dreaming of his season 1 glory tearing shit up. They wake up with heir swords and Goldar's wings back. Later they take Bulk and Skulls motorcycle and Goldar tries to kill them ih a fire ball.

Meanwhile King Mondo has created his robots with some super metal. Mondo has grown on me since the first episode. Him his wife and Junior along with underling Clank are different enough.

Also new zords this episode with the super zeo zords. Each one looking like a different shape. If Zeo had taken place the last decade it would of been Power Rangers Shape Thunder.

Show closes with Tommy and Jason having a heart to heart with the peace conferences being mentioned. Jason telling him he does not want to go back to how things were though he probably does.

In cornclusion. The last run of episodes have been good. Close to the level they were at before the firings. That is if you like this stuff.
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Dallas Season 1, Episode 4

"Winds of Vengeance"
4/23/78

In the most challenging role of his career, Brian Dennehy guest stars as a fat guy!

The episode opens with a hungover JR and Ray Krebbs waking up in a seedy motel in Waco. Not with each other, but rather in the arms of a couple of naked ladies! They two men realized that they both have a taste for nasty pussy and have decided to join forces. With the sun up, they decide to make a hasty get away, but JR leaves a business card on the floor. Brian Dennehy is out looking for his wife, whom he suspects was out whoring. He was right, she WAS whoring. But the question is: With whom? Well, she doesn't want to talk so he slaps the shit out of her. He finds JR's business and promises that he and his brother in-law will have their VENGEANCE!

Ray is driving JR home when they hear that a hurricane is a comin'. They make some jokes about how crazy Waco chicks are. This is like at least 15 years pre-Branch Davidian, so, yeah.

Miss Ellie is sick in bed, Sue Ellen makes her some soup. Miss Ellie tells Sue Ellen they should be nicer to Pam. Sue Ellen says JR doesn't agree. Miss Ellie is all SHE'S MARRIED TO MAH BOBBY, SHE'S PART OF THIS HERE FAMILY. Bobby hears about the hurricane and calls home. He tells Pam to be careful. Sue Ellen tells the girls to get ready to secure the ranch. Bobby tells Jock they need to get home. Jock tells Bobby they're going to go hang out with Punk Anderson and the boys instead.

Dennehy and his bro plan on working up a #6 on the Ewing girls as a way of revenge. JR and Ray get home, JR grabs a beer, ignores Sue Ellen and heads upstairs. Dennehy and his bro knock on the door and ask to use the phone. This is their way of getting in! Lucy eye fucks the shit out of Dennehy's bro, whose name happens to be Allan. Dennehy's character is named Rick. Rick pretends to have a phone call with a tow truck driver. Sue Ellen heads off to make some sandwiches while Lucy leads Allan off to start a fire in the fireplace to match the one burning in her panties. Lucy flirts with Allan. Lucy confirms that JR and Ray were in Waco last night, proving they were responsible for the bonings the night before. Pam walks in with Lucy and is introduced to Rick and Allan. Pam seems a bit... suspicious of the house guests.

Bobby hears the weather service saying that the storm is worse than expected. He calls home to the ranch, where JR tells him that the two strangers are going to help he and Ray round up the strays and secure the livestock. Lucy, being the pig headed cunt that she is, insists on helping. They hop on horses and save the herd! The camera effects used to simulate a hurricane are archaic, even by late 70's standards. Ray gets thrown from his horse and is injured! Not often you see the fucking ranch FOREMAN get tossed like a chump. They load Ray up into the back of the truck and get him back to the house.

Sue Ellen goes to check on Miss Ellie. Miss Ellie wants to get out of bed, but Sue Ellen tells her to rest. The truck pulls up and they get out and carry Ray into the house. As they tend to Ray, Allan goes and locks the door. Turns out "Rick" is really named Luther, and he and Allan are here to have their way with the Ewing ladies! They pull out their guns (pistols, not dicks)! JR offers them money, but they don't want to no money. They want PUSSY. Ray cracks wise and Luther knocks his hat off, which is apparently the greatest insult to a cowboy. Chris LeDoux sang a song about it, look it up. The phone rings and the rapists select Pam to answer it. She tells Bobby that everything is fine, even though it isn't. She tells Bobby that she and JR are about to play a game of backgammon. Bobby's crap detector goes off. He knows JR would never play backgammon with Pam, and also Pam doesn't even know HOW to play backgammon! Bobby and Jock decide to head home after all.

Luther and Allan are having a hard time picking which of the Ewing snatches that they want to violate. Luther tells JR that he knows he fucked his wife because they found his business card in her hotel room. Sue Ellen looks like she's about to shit her pants. Allan starts to make out with Sue Ellen. JR stands up and gets pistol whipped by Luther. Ray tries to help but gets kicked in his bad leg. Miss Ellie comes downstairs to find out what's going on. Another vagina enters the equation!

Traffic is at a stand still because of a car accident. Bobby and Jock get out and help move the cars. This afternoon backgammon game just doesn't sit right with Bobby!

Allan makes JR tie Ray up in the kitchen. Miss Ellie tells Luther that he better gtfo because now he's fucking with Jock Ewing's family. Allan finds a picture of Sue Ellen from her Miss Texas days. Luther gets a great idea! They're going to make Sue Ellen wear her bathing suit and Miss Texas sash. Allan is having a hard time choosing, so Lucy offers up that Pam used to date Ray before she married Bobby. Allan says since Pam was a normal person like them that he doesn't want to fuck her. So it looks like Lucy is going to have sex against her will for a change!

Luther returns and makes "Miss Texas" sing for everyone.

Jock and Bobby pull up to Southfork and see the Bang Bros truck on the side of the road. In it is a map of Braddock, Texas and JR's business card! There is something going on here! They race to the house!

Sue Ellen sings "People" by Barbara Streisand, dressed in a bathing suit with her Miss Texas sash, crying as her saggy tits try to break free with each note. It's an image you can never unsee, try as you may. Luther rips her sash off, apparently stripping her of her title of Miss Texas. Pam tells Luther that Allan said his wife wasn't raped at all, but that she was just trying to get her fuck on. He becomes distraught.

Bobby and Jock pull up to the house and decide to enter the through the back door because the front door is locked. Luther is now having an internal debate. He no longer wants to fuck a Ewing. Allan on the other hand still wants to get down. Ray tells Bobby and Jock what's going on. They sneak in, and just as Allan is about to take Lucy out for the mother of all grudge fucks, Jock KO's his punk ass. Bobby grabs Allan's gun and KO's Luther. Jock is about to call the cops but Miss Ellie says they have to let them go. Jock tells them to gtfo or he'll kill their asses. Sue Ellen is still crying, Jock is still wanting answers, Ray is still limping and Bobby and Pam are just happy to see each other. JR tries to cover Sue Ellen with a coat, but she wants no part of it. Ray and JR share a look of HUH, THAT DIDN'T QUITE GO DOWN HOW WE PLANNED. And thus apparently ends the glorious, but short lived JR and Ray alliance for poon chasing. Brandon Green made an excellent point that although Miss Ellie demanded that Jock let them go, it's nice and easy to imagine JR having Allan and Luther killed a little while later.

PEOPLE RAY PUNCHED: None
PEOPLE WHO BONED: JR and Luther's wife, Ray and some slut
MEMORABLE JR QUOTE: JR: "Boy, I wish I could sleep in a car." Ray: "We'll be home in an hour." JR: "No rush." Ray: "The hands are all off. Fiesta day." JR: "Well, there's nothing to do around there anyway We work our butts off selling them cattle. No one is going to begrudge us a good time." Ray: "Wanda and Marylou (chuckles). Wonder how them broads get that way sometimes." JR: "Just like us. Lookin' for a goooood time." Ray: "They found it."

Rome, Season 1, Episode 2: How Titus Pullo Brought Down The Republic Recap

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DALLAS, Season 1, Episode 3

"Spy in the House"
4/16/78

In the first two episodes we don't really get to see what a piece of shit JR Ewing is. Episode 3 is his coming out party. There is a lot of construction going on in the offices of Ewing Oil. JR comes out of his office and flirts with his slut secretary Julie, who is apparently a former flame of his that he bangs once in a while. Bobby tells JR that there's too much commotion so he's going to take the magical "Red File" home to study it. JR tells him it's not a good idea but he does it anyway. Julie walks Bobby out to his faggot car and Bob mentions that things would've been better if JR married her instead. Bobby walks away and Cliff Barnes sees her and runs after her. He spits game at her and she's all OH GEE, I DUNNO, MY BOSS HATES YOU HEHEHEHEHE. Cliff gives her his number and leaves.

Jock is playing gin with one of his friends, Senator Orloff, and tries to come up with a plan to get rid of Cliff. They both agree that he is an absolute son of bitch and must be dealt with.

Bobby pulls up to Southfork in his faggot car. Jock tells Bobby to go over the "Red File" with a fine toothed comb to see if there is anything Barnes can use against them. Bobby gets to work and Pam walks in. Pam talks him into taking a look at their new home at Southfork. The "Red File" slips behind the couch. Oops.

Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie pull up. Miss Ellie is happy to see them. Sue Ellen is a bitch. Sue Ellen walks into her room and pulls out a new piece of lingerie that she bought in hopes of fucking JR. JR gets home from work and Sue Ellen walks out wearing a towel. She tries to seduce JR. He ignores her. He looks at her new piece of sex clothes and then looks at the price tag and is all WOW, YOU SPENT TOO MUCH ON THIS. Sue Ellen asks him for coitus and is turned down. JR is legit repulsed at the thought of fucking his wife, which is understandable because she looks like a pre-op tranny. Sue Ellen begs and pleads with him for some bone times. JR gets the fuck out and heads to Julie's shit hole apartment. JR flat out tells Julie that he has no interest in fucking his wife. JR tells her how much he wants Julie and that she's the only woman he can talk to. Julie tells him that they can't keep being fuck buddies like this because she's sick and tired of having breakfast alone. JR grabs her and kisses her firmly. They end up fucking. JR sees a birthday card and is all OH SHIT, I DONE FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY! Julie asks him to stay till morning so she won't have to eat breakfast alone. He says he can't stay and then makes out with her some more. Then, just as Julie thinks she has him all ready for another round, JR straight up pulls a Ted Dibiase and drops a hundy on her and tells her to go and buy herself something real nice. Fucking pimp. Julie gets all mad and then grabs Cliff Barnes number and gives him a call. Julie tells Cliff that she's ready to go to dinner with him... and she's BUYING ::camera pans to JR's $100 bill::

Bobby is in a meeting with Jock and JR and tells them that there's a possible link between Ewing Oil and the senator. Jock demands proof. Bobby goes to show him, only to find that he's left the "Red File" at home! He calls Pam and asks her to bring it to the office. Pam finds it agrees to bring it.

Pam pulls up to the office in Bobby's faggot car. She hands the file to Julie and goes in to see Bobby. Julie looks at the files and starts hatching a plan.

Julie ends up back at Cliff's place. Cliff pours her a drink and asks why she called all of a sudden. She doesn't want to talk about that, so instead they fuck. In the morning she leaves Cliff a copy of a deed showing that Ewing Oil owns a second loan on Senator Orloff's house, $50000 that has never been collected. This is a bad thing for the Ewings. Then Julie leaves Cliff to have breakfast by himself.

Cliff is surrounded by the media, happier than a pig in shit. He's making accusations that the senator is in bed with the Ewings. One of JR's cronies sees this goes down and calls his ass. At the breakfast table JR goes ballistic, accusing Pam of leaking the paper to her brother. Jock is pissed. Miss Ellie is stunned. Lucy is indifferent. Bobby is ANGRY. JR and Bobby yell at each other and Miss Ellie demands they stop! Jock sides with JR without saying a word. No one sides with Bobby. Bobby runs outside to Pam. She cries and Bobby tells her to pack her bags, they're leaving Southfork. He asks her if it's possible that someone could've possibly taken it. She says no. Pam tells Bobby she'll ask Cliff where he got. She drives Bobby's faggot car to Cliff's place.

Cliff ain't talking. The way he sees it if he busts the Ewings and ruins Pam and Bobby's marriage it's a double win. Julie calls him and is all WHOAAAA YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE GOING TO DO ALL THIS CRAZY SHIT, MAN. Cliff tells her they'll talk about it tonight.

Jock and JR decide that they have to call in Orloff's debt to get themselves off the hook. They send Bobby to break the news to him. Bobby tells him that they're coming collecting, but they'll loan him the money the next day. In order for this to work, however, Orloffl is going to have to resign. Orloff takes it pretty well, but as he leaves he asks how Cliff got a hold of the trust deed.

Pam tells Bobby that Cliff ain't talking. Pam mentions that she gave the file to Julie, but Bobby can't believe she did it. They promise to go to the office first thing in the morning to figure it out.

Cliff and Julie are walking home from their date. They argue about what Cliff did. Cliff says Orloff is a crook. Julie says he was OK.

Pam insists that Julie had to have done it. Bobby says no, because she's JR's DL cum dumpster. They go through Julie's Rolodex and see Cliff's new, unlisted number! Pam calls and is all WE NEED TO TALK. I'M COMING OVER! Julie decides to make herself scarce. Cliff hears that Orloff is resigning and is ANGRY! He wanted to see Orloff get publicly crucified and that he was the key to taking down the Ewings. Julie is all OH MY, YOU REALLY DO HATE THE EWINGS! and she runs off to the bathroom. Pam is in Bobby's faggot car, parked outside Cliff's apartment. Cliff tries to convince Julie that they can still fuck and all, but she's done with him. She walks out and is confronted by Pam. Pam tells her that she had to have taken the "Red File".

Bobby confronts JR and tells him that Julie is the spy. JR doesn't believe him. Julie walks in and tells him she's the spy. JR asks why. She said that Cliff fucked so good that he deserved a reward. JR is dumbfounded.

Bobby tells the family that no one defended Pam. Pam tries to say it was OK. Lucy cracks a joke. Everyone smiles. Lucy insists that JR apologize and give her a kiss. JR does so, but looks even more awkward than when he kisses his tranny wife.

People Ray punched: none, he wasn't even in this episode
People who boned: JR and Julie, Cliff and Julie x2
Memorable JR quote: "Cliff Barnes is holding a news conference... RIGHT NOW. He's got a document in his hand... a copy of Orloff's second trust deed. Straight from the files my little brother "forgot" to put in his attache case yesterday. The files that his lovely wife so graciously brought to us in Dallas, where, incidentally, she had lunch with her brother, Cliff Barnes. Now I wonder how Cliff Barnes got a hold of that document. There's a spy in the house."

Dallas Season 1, Episode 2

"Lessons"
4/9/78

There's snow on the ground at Southfork Ranch. Lucy rides her trusty steed down to the mailbox where she burns a letter from her school intended for Jock and Miss Ellie warning them of their granddaughter's shitty attendance. Bobby is in the midst of teaching Pammy how to ride a horse. He offers to postpone the lesson if she'll agree to go back to the house for a quickie. She turns him down. PWNED. Ray and one of the ranch hands are bitching about who should have to take Lucy to school. Bobby tells Ray to quit being a bitch and do his job. Ray's all like YEAH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA but Bobby insists. Way to go Bobby. Bobby tries to talk Pam into a quickie AGAIN only to get shut out. At the breakfast table Miss Ellie and Jock are bitching about Lucy sucking at school and skipping breakfast. JR makes small talk because he can. Ray pulls up to take Lucy to school and you just KNOW nothing good can come of it. Pam tries to invite Sue Ellen to hang out with her only to get blown off. Ray practically begs Pam to talk Bobby into not firing his ass, which wasn't even on his mind... yet. Lucy hops into Ray's truck with bad intentions. Miss Ellie talks to Pam about how obvious Lucy makes it that she is ditching school. This begs the question: What in the fuck is Miss Ellie doing that is so goddamn important that SHE can't drop Lucy off at school. Miss Ellie tells Pam the tale of how Lucy's dad, Gary, was a bitch made chump who JR ran off, leaving her and Jock to raise Lucy and that's why she's a spoiled ass bitch.

Lucy asks Ray to take her to a new disco in town. Ray says no. Lucy tells Ray he knows she's not taking him to school and starts rubbing his cock. Ray resists for all of 10 seconds before throwing it in reverse so he can go off to bang Lucy. That's just wrong. Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie leave Pam alone at the house. Lo and behold, Lucy's school calls to say she ain't there. Pam is NOT pleased. She heads on down to the hayloft where she finds the two and is all like RAY, GET DOWN HERE PLZ. GO TAKE A HIKE SO I CAN TALK TO LUCY. Lucy gives Pam a punch of lip and Pam is all LET'S GO TALK TO YOUR GRANDPA and Lucy is like OH SHIT, NO. I'LL GO TO SCHOOL, I GUESS.

Bobby notices that JR's been doing some heavy handed shit and wants to know how and why. JR's slut secretary blows some smoke up his ass and then warns JR.

Lucy finally ends up at school. One of her teachers pulls her and Pam aside and tells her that this is her last chance and that she needs to come to his office after her last class. He tells Pam that he'll do whatever he can to help Lucy graduate. Meanwhile, Lucy is flirting with a shit load of dudes. Slut. Some dude comes up to her and spits game at her and is all like HEY, I SEE YOU SUCK AT MATH. I'M GOOD AT MATH. WE CAN LIKE WORK TOGETHER. Then Pam shows up and cock blocks. Pam gives Lucy some new clothes. Lucy tosses them out the window of Bobby's faggot car. Pam makes her pick them up. She's trying to break her like a wild horse. Pam drops Lucy off at the house and heads over to the stables to bitch at Ray again. She tells him in no uncertain terms that he's done fucking Lucy. Ray's all YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS THAT YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND IS FUCKING A YOUNG CHICK? and Pam's like DON'T TRY ME.

Bobby, whose been waiting all day to talk to JR, is told that JR already left for the evening. At this point Bobby finally realizes that JR is AVOIDING HIM.

Lucy is walking around her room in her bra and panties. Then she gets a shit eating smirk and grabs a pair of scissors and starts cutting the sleeve on one of her shirts. That little bitch has hatched a scheme of some sort!

The next day at school Lucy is in her teacher's office doing her work when she freaks out and rips the sleeve off of her shirt and screams that the teacher tried to grab her. She takes off running and the teacher realizes his goose is cooked. The math nerd who was hitting on her earlier saw this go down and knows the TRUTH. The teacher is begging the principal to believe him. Principal is like LOL, NOPE. Pam says on Monday she'll get Lucy down her and will straighten all this out.

At Ewing Oil Bobby finally gets some face time with JR. Bobby tells JR he wants to know his secrets. JR tells Bobby that while he was out banging cheerleaders and playing football JR was basically Jock's house nigger, learning the business. He then tells Bobby that he runs Ewing Oil the way he wants to run it and that it's none of his damned business. And Bobby's like WHATEVER.

Pam finds Lucy and calls her out on her little scam. Lucy tells Pam she'll tell the principal it was all a lie if Pam promises to cover for her with Miss Ellie and Jock. Pam is like YOU BITCH! During dinner that night Lucy gets a call from Math Virgin who extorts her into going on a date with him at the NEW DISCO she wanted Ray to take her to. She's not pleased.

Jock and Miss Ellie are playing backgammon and asks to go on a date with a boy. Sue Ellen is all THAT'S NOT VERY GENTLEMEN LIKE but Jock let's her go anyhow. Pam is brushing her hair out of anger. Bobby's like WHAT'S WRONG? Pam tells Bobby and Bobby's like WELL, YEAH, MY FAMILY KINDA SUCKS LOL LET'S GO OUT DANCING AT THE NEW DISCO! Uh oh, shit's about to get real!

D & D Boy picks up Lucy and tries to make out with her. Lucy is all EWW NO, and he's like I'LL TELL and she's like LET'S GO TO THE NEW DISCO THEN WE'LL FUCK AFTERWARD.

The new disco is jumpin'. People are doing all sorts of obscure dances wearing weird ass clothing. They even play a disco mix of the Dallas theme song! Lucy sees Ray there and is all RAY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. Pam and Bobby are dancing their asses off. Then Pam and Bobby see Ray and Lucy and Bobby is like AWW HELL NAW. Lucy is practically begging Ray to help her get out of this date. Bobby runs over and punches the shit out of Ray before he can explain. Ray tells Bobby that he deserved that one, but if he wanted any more they could step outside. Bobby said NAW, WE COOL. Pam tells Lucy and Nerd Fag that come Monday morning they're going to tell the truth. Lucy has at last been defeated. Lucy simply can't believe that Pam really cares for her! Bobby grabs Lucy and is all YOU BETTER GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND BE NICE TO MY WIFE. Lucy resists! Bobby insists! Finally, Lucy's rough exterior cracks and it appears at last that she will finally accept the fact that Pam does indeed care for her! Another lesson learned at the disco!

PEOPLE WHO BONED: Jock and Miss Ellie
PEOPLE WHO RAY PUNCHED: No one, although he did eat a right cross from Bobby
MEMORABLE JR QUOTE: "I've had to make decisions and I've had to make deals that the man who runs this company has to make. That's my business and mine alone. And as long as I'm running this company, Bobby, that's the way it's going to stay. That answer your question?"

Step By Step Overview of Season 1

Season 1 of any Family sitcom is normally known for extended theme songs and vanishing family members. Step By Step not only gave us this, but so much more. It starts out similar to the Brady Bunch, but with an edgy in your face attitude that only the 90s could deliver. Two single parent families became one when Frank Lambert (contractor and owner of his own construction company) bribed his travel agent to book him on the same flight and hotel as Carol Foster (beautician who operated a salon illegally from her very own home in the cheese state of Wisconsin). What would be considered stalking in real life is considered romantic in the Miller Boyett world. The means justified the end as Carol and Frank ended up falling for each other and got married on a whim, what better way for each of them to start a second marriage?

There was tension from the start between the children of the opposing families. Not only would the Lamberts move in with the Fosters, but Dana and JT had already been attending the same school where they were bitter rivals. Dana had LEGIT heat with JT, nobody likes to have a dead rat left inside your locker. Alice (or Al) was quite the tomboy, so of course she had to live under the same roof as a narcissist like Karen (who ironically has the role of the hot chick, but in later seasons Dana and Al surpassed her in the looks department and comparing her with Suzanne Somers back then was still no contest). The two youngest boys in the family didn't share any common ground either as Mark pretty much felt that Brendan was too much of a simpleton to associate himself with. He was kind of dead on with that assessment, I mean Urkel even paid Mark a visit to kick back, chill, and teach Al's school how to do the Urkel dance.

After a few episodes, Step by Step was a hit, but they hadn’t even introduced Cody “the code man“ Lambert, Frank's nephew. He potentially could have been the Urkel of this show, but Jaleel White is vastly more talented. Outside of both being accused for domestic violence Sasha Mitchell shares nothing in common with Jaleel White. The addition of Sasha Mitchell to the cast meant somebody had to be let go. This spelled curtains for the witty grandma Ivy and Carol's much less attractive slow witted sister Penny. Every episode in the first season was like clockwork in a sense; both would walk into the kitchen (from the beauty salon next room)Penny would make a fairly obvious or dumb assessment and the Grandma would burn her each time. Literally no character development what so ever. It was literally like when George Costanza would tell a good joke and go out on a high note; Penny would say something foolish and Grandma would deliver the ol‘ zinger to show old people can still be sassy, and then they‘d just leave together back into the salon. However they would not be the first to disappear…

In the first season's opening credits when the two families enter the theme park, you can clearly see Mark is not with them. In his place, a young boy with brown hair who you never get a clear shot of is wearing the exact same clothes as Mark. They managed to edit Mark in with Carol's mom waving to the family who were above and ready for the roller coaster to descend. As the camera panned out and the roller coaster took off you see a CGI beach instead of the parking lot that is actually there. The kid who I'm assuming was originally going to play Mark never got to even be in the pilot. I've searched the world wide web and couldn't even find his name. For all we know, all the fame and glory could've gone to this unknown kid. Beethoven 1 and 2 could have been his, but instead Christopher Castile got the role. For better or worse...only God knows. This is the best screen shot I can get of the original Mark Foster.

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Rome, Episode 1: The Stolen Eagle Recap

We open with a bunch of gibberish about the situation in Rome, with a narrator detailing the love/hate relationship between Julius Caesar and old ass Pompey over a map of the Western World. Apparently, there's a storm a brewin' between the two old friends and once Caesar whips up on the heathen Gauls, who he's been at war with for, like, seven straight years, he's coming for that fucking throne. Everybody got that?

Okay, good. So, the show proper opens on a battle in Gaul between the Romans and the Gauls and we focus right away on two of the Romans. The first is a stern, uptight looking dude who looks like a commander of some sort. This is Lucius Vorenus, all around bad ass and fate's bitch. The other is a total degenerate named Titus Pullo. He's also a bad ass but he doesn't give a fuck about anything other than fighting and fucking and hey, why not, you know? We know this because he dives out of formation to start whipping up on those heathen Gauls which of course pisses off Vorenus who tells Pullo to get his ass back in formation. Pullo is all FUCK THAT and punches Vorenus in the face. Vorenus knocks him out in response and some dudes drag an unconscious Pullo away from the battle.

We're back at camp now and Vorenus has Pullo strung up and is having him whipped for being a degenerate and insubordinate. Vorenus gets all self righteous and bitches about discipline. Pullo is untied and is dragged away and is all LOL WHATEVER DUDE.

Meanwhile, Caesar sits on his makeshift throne and accepts the surrender of the Gallic chieftain, some hairy ass degenerate. He's stripped naked and forced to kiss Caesar's standard, a Golden Eagle. All of the soldiers go wild and chant Caesar's name.

Pullo watches all this from his little cell that they dragged him off to after his whipping and he's all WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON and some other prisoner is all WAR'S OVER, BRO and then details how the army is going to run wild through Gaul, taking slaves and killing and raping and all that wild shit and Pullo is all NOOOOOOOOOOO because that's what he lives for and he's missing this shit.

We cut away from that to Caesar reading a letter from his old friend Pompey, in which we learn that Pompey's wife, who also happens to be Caesar's daughter, died during childbirth. Caesar is all AWWW, SHIT, but he also realizes that now there's nothing really tying him to Pompey. Just then, THE BEST FUCKING CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF TV, Marc Antony shows up, all happy because he's Marc Antony, Caesar's number two and they just skullfucked Gaul, but he realizes that Caesar's all sad and shit and asks what's up. Caesar tells him the bad news and Antony is all SORRY BRO, but it's so forced that it's kinda hilarious. All Caesar seems to care about is that Pompey's gonna need a new wife.


We head to the city of Rome for the first time, where Pompey is mourning his dead wife. A servant shows up to tell him that more of Caesar's spoils from Rome just showed up. Pompey goes to survey the parade of gold and slaves and all that good shit. The citizens of Rome all chant Ceasar's name and Pompey looks all pissed off and jealous and shit. We then cut to a bunch of old ass rich dudes who bitch about the parade of valuables. Apparently, they are Senators - more specifically Cato, who's an old goat looking motherfucker and also the leading anti-Caesar dude in the Senate; Cicero, a chickenshit who's the leading moderate and also the dude with the golden tongue; and Scipio, who is basically Cato's flunky. This basically just establishes that the Senate is shook as fuck about the possibility of Caesar showing up and telling the people to fuck the Senate.

We cut to a scene of a stocky looking dude leading a white horse through the Roman streets, which are filled with degenerates and poor ass citizens. He gives the horse to some random servant outside of a building and then goes inside.

We then cut straight to the stocky dude getting fucked by some broad who we quickly find out is named Atia, Caesar's niece and all around uber-bitch. She's riding his fat ass, screaming and moaning and he's all FUCK THIS OWNS and apparently this is his fee for finding that white horse, which we learn Atia intends to send to Gaul to her uncle Julius Caesar as a present. Also, we learn the stocky looking dude is named Timon, also referred to as "The Horse Jew" so . . . yeah. They finish up and she's all BEAT IT LOSER and he's all WELL AT LEAST I GOT SOME ASS and I nod in agreement.

We then cut to Atia taking a bath in a huge pool. Some kid wanders in and we quickly realize that this is her son, Octavian, a Machiavellian little shit who is both smart and arrogant as fuck. He's also a fucking sociopath. Anyway, Atia stands up, buck ass naked and is all WHAT IS IT BOY and his face is all AWWWWW SHIT COME ON MOM. She tells him to join her and I'm all UHHHHHH WHAT? but then she turns around and leaves, slips on a robe and it turns out she just wants him to join her in the other room. Oh, okay, phew!

Anyway, she tells Octavian that she bought the horse for Caesar and since it's time he stop being a weak ass little kid, he needs to accompany the horse to Gaul. He whines because Gaul is dangerous as shit but she tells him to stop being such a little pussy because he'll be surrounded by servants and slaves and shit. While they are talking, a slave fusses with something or other and accidentally bumps into Octavian, who casually bitch slaps the slave and everyone just keeps going on like he just swatted a mosquito or something. Anyway, she explains to Octavian that she wants to make sure that Caesar gets their present before he gets back to Rome and everybody starts showering him with gifts. It's not enough that they're family, they need to get in good with the big man. Octavian thinks this is bullshit but his mom is a domineering bitch so he does what he's told.

We cut to old ass Pompey presiding over the Senate, who are bitching and moaning about various bullshit. There are three different groups - the fervent Republicans who all hate Caesar and think he's a war criminal or some shit, led by Cato; the moderates, led by Cicero; and Caesar's boys, who all boo the shit out of Cato whenever he slanders their dude. There is also a senile old fucker who bangs the floor with a giant stick and is basically the Senate judge or some shit. His voice sounds like that of a man who smokes 3 packs a day and he always looks like he's on the verge of death. Anyway, Cato is all YO FUCK CAESAR THAT DUDE IS A CRIMINAL WHY HASN'T HE TURNED HIS ARMY OVER TO ROME YET WHAT'S HE UP TO and Caesar's dudes are all AYO FUCK YOU CATO. Apparently, Cato thinks that Caesar is conducting an illegal war and basically wants to throw his ass in jail. Everyone hollers back and forth and Pompey is all SHUT UP CATO CAESAR IS MY FRIEND and Cato and his boys start bitching. Just then, Cicero stands up and is all YO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET POMPEY TALK and Pompey is grateful but Cicero isn't done. Instead he keeps on talking and says some shit about how Caesar is a hungry wolf and while it's true you shouldn't attack a hungry wolf you can't just sit back and do nothing either. Cato is all THEN WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO CLIMB A TREE? and everyone laughs at Cicero's cowardly ass. Pompey is all ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT CAESAR IS MY BRO AND I WILL NEVER BETRAY HIM and then he stomps out. This is, of course, a bunch of horseshit.

We cut to Pompey sitting in a crowd and watching some sort of play, which features a bunch of naked whores and some dude prancing around with a giant fake penis. Everyone's laughing and shit and just then Cato and his boy Scipio show up and Pompey is all WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU UPTIGHT ASSHOLES DOING HERE? Cato and Scipio are all YO THIS ISN'T OUR SCENE BUT YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT SCIPIO'S DAUGHTER NOW THAT YOU'RE SINGLE, BRO. Pompey looks her over and she's an ugly old lady and he's all MEH THANKS ANYWAY. She, for her part, is all shook because it's not appropriate for a noble woman like her to be hanging around a bunch of degenerates and watching porn. Prude.

Cato then takes Pompey aside and is all WE NEED YOU BRO. He tells him that the Senate can't take Caesar down alone and neither can Pompey. They need each other. Pompey considers it but in the end is all YOU WANT ME TO BETRAY MY FRIEND AND I JUST CAN'T DO IT, HOLMES. Cato is disappointed, but shit, at least he has Pompey considering it.

Meanwhile, Octavian gets set to depart for Gaul and this is where he meet his older sister, Octavia, who fawns over her little bro and gives him a ring for good luck on his trip.

The next morning, Octavian sets out for Gaul, surrounded by slaves. Atia is all YOU BRING MY BOY BACK SAFELY OR I'LL CUT OUT YOUR CHILDREN'S EYES and the slave is all YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Meanwhile, back at Pompey's, his chief slave is telling him that the horse he ordered him to buy was already sold. Of course, this is the same white horse that Atia bought for Caesar and Pompey is all MAN FUCK CAESAR DOES THAT ASSHOLE HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING? He takes aside his slave and is all SINCE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN GAUL ANYWAY . . .

We cut back to Caesar's camp, where some soldiers stand around, doing soldierly shit, when suddenly some dudes painted blue show up and kill them. They steal Caesar's Golden Eagle and haul ass.

The next morning, Titus Pullo is sitting in his cell, drawing an enormous cock and balls that is spurting out jizz everywhere. Heh. Elsewhere, some rich looking dude shows up in camp and Caesar is all BRUTUS MY BOY. Uh . . . maybe not, Caesar. Brutus is all SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER but it's said with the same sort of perfunctory off handedness as Marc Antony's condolences earlier. Caesar is all FUCK IT, SHIT HAPPENS and the two of them sit down to eat. Caesar is all HOW'S YOUR MOM DOING and it's obvious that the two of them have a history of fucking and Brutus tells him that she misses him and wants some letters and Caesar is all YEAH YEAH and tells Brutus that he has some letters for him to take back. Marc Antony then shows up, slaps Brutus on the back and actually says, "Brutus, me old cock! What are you doing here?" Me old cock? Brutus, the old cock, is all OH MAN THIS GUY??? but Antony quickly moves on and is all YO BOSS I NEED SOME GOLD. Caesar asks him what he needs it for in a way that shows how little he really trusts Antony and Antony tells him he needs it to recover the stolen Golden Eagle. Caesar gives him some gold and tells him that it better all be accounted for when he's done. Antony's all YEAH YEAH WHATEVER.

Antony leaves and Brutus is all MAN ANTONY SUCKS HOW CAN YOU STAND HIM and Caesar's all YEAH HE'S AN ASS BUT HE HAS HIS USES. He then explains to Brutus that the soldiers are all demoralized because some asshole stole his standard and if he doesn't get it back, shit could hit the fan. Of course, Caesar is just spitting bullshit at Brutus in the hopes that he'll go back to Rome and tell Pompey how weak Caesar is so Pompey will slip up and attack him and Caesar can have the pretext to whip his old friend's ass.

We then cut to Octavian and his retinue riding slowly through the countryside. Octavian is asleep so his slave wakes him up by nudging him. Octavian is all DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME SLAVE and tells the slave to get him some water. Just then, an arrow goes through the slave's throat and OH SHIT IT'S ON. Indeed, a bunch of asshole Gauls jump out and raise hell, killing everyone. Octavian kicks a dude in the nuts and then hides in the bushes but he's quickly found by some asshole with gold teeth.

We cut back to camp, where Marc Antony tells Vorenus that since he's not a dumbfuck like most of the soldiers, he's putting him in charge of finding the stolen Golden Eagle. He asks Vorenus what he'd do and Vorenus says he'd crucify a bunch of fuckers and then bribe some dudes until someone gave him the good news. Antony is all DO IT and gives him the gold he got from Caesar - but not all of it. He makes sure to pocket some for himself.

Cut to Vorenus crucifying a bunch of dudes. They all scream in pain and Vorenus is all SHIT WE CAN DO THIS ALL FUCKIN' NIGHT IF YOU WANT until one of them breaks and tells Vorenus that some Blue Spaniards stole the Golden Eagle. Vorenus orders the soldiers with him to cut the dudes down and the soldiers all grumble because they just spent all day crucifyin' and now they have to spend all night uncrucifyin'.

Back in Pullo's cell, meanwhile, he's praying to the gods, saying he'll kill a lamb or at least a few pigeons if he's set free. Just then the door swings open and a guard is all YO GET UP. Sorry, pigeons. Anyway, Vorenus stomps in and the guard tells Pullo that he's being released to Vorenus and if he does his duty to Vorenus' satisfaction, then Pullo can have his life spared. Pullo's all FUCK THAT VORENUS IS AN ASSHOLE but the guard tells him that these orders are straight from Marc Antony and explains all the bullshit with the Golden Eagle. Pullo just laughs and is all WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT?

Back in Rome, Brutus delivers Caesar's letter to his mom, who we find out is named Servilia. She looks like she's about 50, and like at one point - when Caesar actually knew her - she was probably pretty hot. She reads the letter and seems pretty happy but is all insecure, probably because she's all old and shit and after all, Caesar is married to another woman but her slave woman is all NAH HE ONLY WANTS TO FUCK YOU and she seems happy.

Vorenus and Pullo ride through the countryside, and Pullo won't shut up and yammers on about horse riding and Vorenus is all annoyed and demands that Pullo address him as Sir. Pullo is all YO THANKS FOR GETTING ME OUT OF JAIL EVEN THOUGH YOU OWED IT TO ME FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE. Vorenus just laughs at Pullo and tells him that the only reason he picked him for the job is because they're never gonna find that fucking eagle and Pullo was already fucked anyway so there you go. Pullo is all YEAH WELL THEN WHY SHOULDN'T I JUST KILL YOU NOW FUCKHEAD? Vorenus first says that Pullo's honor as a soldier should be enough of a reason but even if it isn't, well then he'll just have to rely on his superior fighting skills to kick Pullo's ass. Pullo just sort of laughs and is all YEAH OKAY WHATEVER but it's clear our boys are developing a rapport.

Meanwhile, back in Rome, Servilia is throwing a party and Brutus is all shitfaced and talking smack about the Gauls. Servilia, Octavia and her chump assed husband, along with Pompey and a few others stand around listening to him talk shit and Pompey is all SHIT YOU SHOULD GO INTO POLITICS and Brutus starts drunkenly bitching about how his mom says that too but he finds politics dreadfully boring and basically he comes across in this scene like a spoiled rotten little pussy.

Servilia is all THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT and takes Brutus' goblet away from him and Pompey eases him away from the crowd so he can press him for info about Caesar. Brutus relays all of Caesar's bullshit about the soldiers being all whipped and depressed and Pompey is all HMMMMMM.

Meanwhile, Atia reads a letter from Caesar telling her to find another wife for Pompey from the family. Naturally, Atia takes this as an invitation to match up her own daughter with Pompey, but from the tone of Caesar's letter he doesn't really give a fuck.

We then cut to Octavian lying all tied up while his Gallic captors carouse. We then quickly cut back to Atia, kneeling in a temple, praying while drums and shit thump in the background. Above her, a bunch of priests stand on a platform with a bull. They cut its throat and HOLY FUCK THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD. Indeed, all of the blood spills down onto Atia, who just stands there and takes it all. A priest tells her that no harm will come to Octavian and, satisfied, she leaves.

Atia then takes a long bath - well, naturally - and casually asks Octavia how her marriage to her sadsack of a husband is going. Octavia says that at first it kinda sucked but now they love each other and everything is good. Atia is all TOUGH SHIT, BABY, CAESAR WANTS YOU TO MARRY OLD ASS POMPEY. Naturally, Octavia is all FUCK THAT but Atia says if she doesn't get a divorce from her husband, named Glabius, then Caesar will just have Glabius killed. Octavia huffs and pouts and is all HE WOULDN'T DARE but Atia is all YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THE DUDE'S BEEN IN GAUL FOR EIGHT YEARS HE'S BARELY HUMAN and Octavia is all OH SHIT.

We immediately cut to Octavia and her husband parting ways and Glabius is all shook and Atia is all LOL LOOK AT HIM, ALL CRYING LIKE A BITCH and Octavia is all I HATE YOU, MOTHER.

Next, Atia and Octavia are lounging around, eating a casual looking dinner with old ass Pompey. Atia is all HEY CAESAR IS GIVING YOU THIS YOUNG BITCH HERE DOESN'T THAT OWN and Pompey is all taken aback and then regains his composure and is all YEAH THAT'S VERY GENEROUS. Octavia looks miserable and then looks like she's going to be sick when Atia is all YOU CAN FUCK HER NOW IF YOU WANT. Pompey is all WELL . . .

We immediately cut to Octavia being stripped naked while Pompey watches. She then gets on the bed on all fours. GODDAMN.

Meanwhile, Vorenus and Pullo have decided to make camp for the night. Pullo can't stop talking about fucking and raping random villagers and shit and Vorenus is all MAN SHUT UP. Pullo is all YOU GAY, BRO? Vorenus is all FUCK THAT I GOT ME A WIFE AND SHE IS HOT AS SHIT. We find out that his wife's name is Niobe and that Vorenus basically worships her - or at least his memory of her. After all, it's been seven years and change since they've seen each other. Pullo is all HEY THAT'S NICE BUT HOW CAN YOU STAND BEING WITH ONLY ONE WOMAN? Vorenus asks him when was the last time Pullo had sex with a woman who wasn't some poor rapee or who wasn't a whore. Pullo is all GOOD POINT, BRO and then Vorenus falls asleep and tells Pullo to wake him in a few hours.

We immediately cut to the next morning and Pullo sleeping like a baby. Vorenus suddenly wakes up to the sound of their horses and all their gear being stolen. Whoops! Pullo is all AWWW SHIT MY BAD, BRO.

We next see Vorenus and Pullo traipsing through the wilderness on foot. Pullo is all YO THOSE HORSES SUCKED ANYWAY. Vorenus acts all put upon and bitches that his family has an honorable soldiering history and here he is, horseless and robbed by children. Just then, the two of them hear a clamor and then they see a bunch of asshole Gauls. Among them is little Octavian, being whipped like a bitch while he pulls a big ass cart behind him like an animal. One of the asshole Gauls ride the white horse that is meant for Caesar and Pullo deadpans "Nice horse." He and Vorenus share a look like LET'S DO THIS.

We then cut to Pullo and Vorenus mopping up on the asshole Gauls, killing all of them. Octavian is all THANKS, DUDES but they ignore him, as obviously they believe he's just some chump slave. But Octavian is all OH HELL NO DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM GAIUS OCTAVIAN, CAESAR'S NEPHEW. Pullo and Vorenus look amused and Pullo is all WHO? Octavian is all CUT ME LOOSE, FUCKERS. Pullo tells him to say please and Octavian swallows his pride for once and asks him to please cut him loose. Pullo does and Octavian staggers to his feet. He sees one of his captors trying to crawl away so he grabs a giant stick or something and bashes the fucker's head in. Pullo and Vorenus just stand there and watch, like it ain't no thing and then Vorenus hands Octavian some food. Heh.

Later, while Pullo and Vorenus loot the dead bodies, Octavian tells them that they will be rewarded when they get back to camp. But Vorenus is all SORRY SON WE GOT ORDERS TO FIND THAT FUCKING EAGLE. Octavian is all FUCK THAT, CAESAR DOESN'T CARE ABOUT NO DAMN EAGLE. Vorenus is annoyed and is all THEN WHY DID HE SEND US AFTER IT, HUH? Octavian patiently explains that losing the eagle is actually a good thing for Caesar. Both Vorenus and Pullo are all HUH? so Octavian tells them that Pompey is a superstitious old bitch and will take the Eagle being stolen as a sign that Caesar is weak. Of course, Caesar is actually very, very strong and so when Pompey attacks, Caesar will not only have his pretext for war but will also be able to take Pompey by surprise. Pullo is all BUT THEY'RE FRIENDS and Octavian explains to them that with Caesar's daughter/Pompey's wife dead, they don't have any real bonds left and that Pompey is a jealous old queen.

Vorenus and Pullo ponder this heavy shit for a moment but then Vorenus notices some blue paint on one of the carts. He's all OH SHIT and sure enough, he pulls back the curtain on the cart to reveal . . . Pompey's loyal slave. Oh shiiiiiiiit. The slave smacks Pullo and hauls ass with a bundle in his hand, but Vorenus just calmly picks up a spear and whips it at the dude, killing him. LOL. Seriously, man, the deaths are just so bad assed in their casualness. Anyway, the dude dies and when he does he drops the bundle, which falls open to reveal . . . the stolen Golden Eagle! Oh shiiiiiiiiiiit part deux.

Vorenus and Pullo then ride triumphantly back to camp, Octavian and the Golden Eagle in tow. All the soldiers cheer and go wild when they see their stolen standard returned. Caesar heads out of his tent to see what all the commotion is about, sees Octavian and is all WHAT THE FUCK? BOY, WHAT YOU DOING HERE? Of course, Octavian is, like, 14 and Caesar hasn't seem him in 7 years and I highly doubt that he would recognize his grand nephew who he last saw as a little seven year old or whatever but fuck it, who cares? It's a moment, you know?

Anyway, they all head to the tent, where Vorenus and Pullo present Caesar with the severed head of Pompey's slave. The motherfucker even has Pompey's name tattooed on his bald head, like a brand. Caesar is all OH SHIT IT'S ON NOW and Antony is all FUCK YEAH ABOUT TIME LET'S DO THIS SHIT.

Back in Rome, Pompey is posing for a sculptor making a bust of his head when someone comes in and slams a crate down on a table. Pompey is all THE FUCK? but then he opens it to find his slave's severed head along with a note from Caesar that's awesome as fuck. It reads: "Dearest Pompey, I believe the enclosed man belongs to you. A quick note to tell you I have decided to winter the 13th Legion closer to home at Ravenna, so I shall soon have the pleasure of paying you homage in person." Pompey is all OHHH FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

We then cut to Pompey's wedding. He walks down the aisle with his new wife, presumably Octavia. But she has on a veil so we can't tell for sure who it is. It's a big fucking party and all the citizens shout their hoorays and shit. They get on with the wedding and then Pompey is all HEY YO EVERYONE MEET MY NEW WIFE and she loses the veil and oh shiiiiiit it's that old hag from the porn show, Scipio's daughter, Cornelia. THE SHIT IS ON.

Meanwhile, back at Atia's place, Octavia is crying because she's been shamed. Well, yeah, she had to divorce her husband and then fuck some old man who dumped her for some old hag. That's gotta suck. Atia is all SHUT IT, GIRL and Octavia gets all petulant and is all FUCK POMPEY I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DEAD and Atia is all HELL YEAH UNCLE JULIUS IS ON HIS WAY, BABY.

And sure enough, we then cut to Caesar at the head of his army, marching away from their camp and from Gaul which has been set on fire and burns behind them.

PEOPLE WHO DIED: A bunch of random Gauls in battle, some Roman soldiers offed by the Blue Spaniards, the Blue Spaniards offed by Pullo and Vorenus, all of Octavian's slaves, Pompey's slave, some wounded dude merked by Octavian, and presumably the dudes who were crucified.

PEOPLE WHO FUCKED: Atia and Timon, Pompey and Octavia.

RAWEST DEATH: I would have to go with Octavian killing that one wounded dude after he was untied. He just got up, grabbed a stick and beat the fucker to death. Either that or Vorenus impaling Pompey's slave with a spear while he tried to run away.

Dallas Season 1, Episode 1

"Digger's Daughter"
4/2/78

This was the first episode of the mini series that is now referred to as season one. The episode opens with a newly married Pam and Bobby driving in Bobby's queer car. Pam keeps telling him that his family is going to hate her ass. This is probably because her daddy and big brother have a massive, throbbing hate boner for the entire Ewing clan. At her brother Cliff's behest, a bunch of senators are trying to gang rape Ewing Oil. Grizzled ass Jock heads out to the stables to find his ranch foreman Ray Krebbs. He tells Ray that his granddaughter Lucy has been missing a shit load of school and asks Ray to keep an eye on her for him. Ray tells Jock that he'll do it, but in fact he is the reason Lucy is missing school because they've been fucking like rabbits. This will all be really, really weird a few years from now. Pam and Bobby show up and Ray is kinda shook because apparently he used to tap that ass. Pam's, not Bobby's. Pam has been bitching about how Bobby needs to be more of a power figure in Ewing Oil and he tells her OK just to shut her up. Bobby introduces his wife to his mom, Miss Ellie, and she's like WTF? and calls Jock and tells him to get his happy ass the fuck home ASAP because Bobby got married and to bring JR with him.

The whole family assembles to meet Pam. JR and Sue Ellen pretend to be happy for them. Jock drinks whiskey and tells Pam to get Cliff to back the fuck off. Ray wishes them good luck as Lucy smirks. Then JR takes Pam for a walk and tries to buy her off. She turns him down and goes to bed in a huff. The next day she goes to clear her shit out of her apartment and is met there by her brother Cliff who is all WTF? about her marrying Bobby. Meanwhile Bobby is starting his first day as an exec at Ewing Oil. He asks for the safe combination so he can read the "Red File" which is apparently magical. JR gives him a bunch of papers, but hides the real "Red File", which he gives to his slut secretary to go put in a safe deposit box for him. Sneaky.

Cliff and Pam find their father, Digger, drunk at a bar, telling tales about wildcatting in the 30's and how Jock Ewing screwed him over. Pam tells him that she's married to Jock's youngest son and he gets all shades of pissed off and doesn't say anything, so Pam cries and runs away. This will become a recurring theme. Pam gets back to Southfork and sees Miss Ellie and Sue Ellen setting up for a party. She offers to help but they're bitches to her. Then Lucy is a bitch to her. JR tells Bobby he has to fly down to Austin to pay off some senators. It's part of Ray and JR's plan to ruin their marriage. Apparently this plan requires a helicopter. Ray takes Pam for a ride in the chopper. JR gives Bobby a ride to the airport and tells him he's stupid and Pam's a slut. Bobby says NU UH. JR decides to prove it and turns down a back road. Ray takes Pam for a walk and tries to put the moves on her but she shuts him down. Ray playfully tosses Pam into freezing water and they both laugh. They head to a nearby cabin where Ray starts a fire while Pam sits around in a blanket, waiting for her clothes to dry. Then JR and Bobby show up and Pam realizes she's been set up. She tells Ray that if he doesn't tell Bobby the truth that she'll tell JR about how Ray's been banging the shit out of Lucy. Ray caves like a bitch. Bobby walks in and is all WTF? Ray and Pam tell him that this is all JR's doing. Bobby gives Ray a stern warning and threatens to beat the shit out of JR before Pam stops him.

PEOPLE WHO BONED- Ray & Lucy, Pam & Bobby
PEOPLE WHO RAY PUNCHED- No one
MEMORABLE JR QUOTE- "I underestimated the newest Ewing. I surely won't do THAT again."