Rome, Season 1, Episode 4 Recap

The episode opens with some poor asshole getting tortured while Pompey and the Senate, along with Brutus, sit in their tent and bitch and moan because they are stuck in a tent in some shitty camp listening to dudes get tortured while Caesar and his boys chill in luxury in Rome. Scipio seems particularly pussyish while Cicero whines that he won’t be able to sleep because the dude getting tortured is screaming his balls off. Pompey explains that his son, Quintus, is the one doing the torturing and he’s good at it and so they should all shut the fuck up. He doesn’t exactly say that but he has a sort of wearied mien when dealing with these effete assholes.

Finally, the screaming stops and Cicero is all ABOUT TIME and then blathers some pussy bullshit about how it’s hard to eat when some dude is outside screaming in pain. His exact words were “Screaming makes poor sauce, I find,” and even seeing the words in print don’t spell out how much of a sniveling pussy he sounded like.

Pompey gets all pissed and basically says his son is indeed a turd but he has his uses – namely torturing people. Brutus is all OF COURSE OF COURSE but it’s clear he thinks Quintus sucks ass.

Quintus, who apparently just arrived that morning, then makes his entrance, saying that “the dog confessed at last.” He explains that the tortured dude told him what went down with the stolen gold and how Pompey’s boy was fucked up by the traitorous soldiers and then those assholes were whipped up by Vorenus, Pullo and the boys but Pompey is all NO WAY MY BOYS TELL ME THAT CAESAR DOESN’T HAVE THE GOLD. Quintus says that he and his boys always get the truth and that if Caesar doesn’t have the gold then his scouts must have kept it for themselves. Pompey is all THEN GO FIND THEM and Quintus is all YEAH YEAH I WILL and then Pompey hollers at him and tells him to get his ass in gear and Quintus is all FINE FUCK IT and leaves while all the Senators look shook as fuck.

Pompey somehow finds a way to spin all this as a positive, saying that without the gold, Caesar will be forced to keep the people in check via beat downs and such, and if he loses the love of the people then he has nothing. The Senators, of course, point out that this also means that they’re up shit creek but Pompey is desperately trying to hold onto anything positive. Basically, Pompey keeps fucking up and the Senators are all sick of his bullshit. There is one moment in all of this where Pompey is all WE’RE NOT REFUGEES WE’RE JUST MANEUVERING and Cato gives him this completely assholish and contemptible sneer. Even old ass Cato knows that Pompey is fucked.

Cut to Rome where soldiers are marching through the streets and the fat fuck town crier explains that both martial law and a curfew are in effect but he gives up when he realizes that no one’s really around to hear him given that they are all hiding in their homes.

Caesar walks through these empty streets with his slave, Posca, before heading to a temple where all the priests chant and worship Jupiter and all that, and then he comes before a council of priests where he asks that they perform auguries to prove that his intentions are honorable. The head priest is all YOU KIDDING BRO? and explains that crashing the city all bowed up with swords and shit seldom augurs well. Caesar is all I DON’T GIVE A FUCK I WANT THE AUGURIES and the head priest is all VERY WELL WE’LL RELEASE SOME FUCKIN’ DOVES ON THE FIRST CLEAN MORNING.

Cut to Posca marching purposefully through the streets. He passes some graffiti on a wall and a closer look reveals the words CAESAR TYRANNUS with a crudely drawn portrait of Caesar sucking a huge disembodied cock. Well, sure, why not? That is also what swung the last election in favor of Obama: street murals depicting McCain sucking huge cocks.

Anyway, Posca just marches on by and comes to Atia’s, where he and Atia’s slave shoot the shit. Apparently they are bros. They sit down and they go over a guest list for a party that Atia is throwing for Caesar. Posca is all I HOPE YOUR WOMAN UNDERSTANDS THAT THIS IS AN HONOR and then explains that Caesar’s hostess essentially becomes the first woman of Rome. Atia’s slave is all YEAH SHE GETS IT BUT WHAT ABOUT CAESAR’S WIFE, CALPURNIA? Posca is all THAT OLD BITCH? and then explains that she is just there for appearances and that all Caesar requires is that she sit there, look dignified and leave him the fuck alone.

They go over the guest list some more, which consists of every rich dude and nobleman left in the city, and Atia’s slave is all UH HE’S NOT GONNA SHOW UP AND KILL EVERYONE IS HE? Posca is all LOL PROBABLY NOT and Atia’s slave explains that Atia doesn’t like surprises.

Cut to Atia, who is also going over the guest list while her slaves fawn all over her and she notices Servilia’s name on the guest list and is all SERVILIA? WHAT THE FUCK? WHY INVITE THAT OLD BITCH? She thinks there can’t possibly be anything left between Servilia and Caesar and even calls Servilia a “ratted old sandal”.

Atia’s old hag of a slave, her personal handmaiden or whatever, says “There’s still some juice in her yet,” and Atia is all FUCK THAT I WON’T LET THAT OLD WHORE GET BETWEEN ME AND CAESAR. She stomps over to the bed and slaps Antony awake and asks him why Servilia is invited to the party. Antony is all WHAT THE FUCK LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN and then brushes her off by telling her that it’s just because of Brutus and then Atia infers that Caesar is just trying to keep Brutus as his symbolic friend even though Brutus has ditched his ass because Brutus is a popular dude with the people with a shiny family name and all that on account of the fact that his family has a long and noble tradition of merking tyrants. Anyway, Atia reassures herself that it’s all just politics and has nothing to do with love or anything like that. Antony ends the scene by telling Atia to shut the fuck up and to let him sleep. His exact words are “DEAR GODS WOMAN WILL YOU LET ME SLEEP.” Antony, as always, owns.

Cut to a slave slicing the balls off of the hanging corpse of a goat. Another slave then brings them out to Atia’s courtyard and is all YOUR GOAT’S BALLS MILADY but she corrects him and explains that they are for Octavian and then tells Octavian to eat up because they’ll “put oak in your penis.” (!!!) Oh man. Octavian is all UH NO THANKS and I think we’re all with him here, you know? Atia insists, however, explaining that she thinks that Octavian has been acting like a damn woman, basically calling him a little fag. Octavian is all BUT I’M ONLY A BOY but Atia cuts him off and explains that when her father was the same age he was fucking the shit out of all the slave girls and that men of the Julii are all hard as fuck and to just shut up and eat his goat’s balls. Octavian gets all petulant and won’t eat his goat’s balls so Atia pulls the old YOU’LL NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR TESTACLES like they’re Brussel Sprouts or some shit. She barks some orders at her slaves while Octavia watches this whole ridiculous scene and then is all I’M WAITING while Octavian looks all shook because, well, because his mom is trying to make him eat balls. He finally scarfs one down and looks like he’s going to hurl and Atia coos and fawns over him, all THAT’S MY BRAVE BOY. An awe inspiring scene. Just amazing.

Anyway, Atia finally leaves and Octavia approaches Octavian and flat out asks him if Atia had Glabius’ worthless ass killed. Octavian is all WHAT? NOOOOO but Octavia still seems unsure. Octavian is all WELL I CAN’T PROVE IT, BUT I DOUBT IT and Octavia is all IF SHE DID I’LL RIP THAT BITCHES THROAT OUT and Octavian is all WOAH.

Over to the square in front of Casa de Vorenus now, where Vorenus is counting out some money and bitching to some old broad about how much the feast he’s planning is going to cost. She tells him that it’s so expensive because it’s a shitty time and everyone is too scared to even leave their own houses. Vorenus explains to her that he needs a feast because he’s starting a business and apparently that’s just what you gotta do.

Anyway, they talk a bit about Caesar and she says that she remembers when that old cocksucker Sulla invaded the city and that there was so much blood you could paint houses with it. Vorenus is all NAH NOT MY BOY CAESAR and explains that Caesar’s goal is just to keep the peace. She’s all YEAH YEAH WE’LL SEE and then tells Vorenus that if he can find her a pig, she’ll throw him a feast. Vorenus bitches about the price some more and she then passive aggressively goads him into paying when she explains that some old broad skimped on the food at her husband’s funeral and no one would let her forget that shit.

Vorenus then kneels before a bust of the head of the god Janus and with Niobe and his youngest daughter (Apparently the budget this week only allowed casting to pay for one daughter, although I'm not sure why they chose her and not the older daughter, who actually has had a purpose in the show. I don't know, maybe the actress who plays the younger daughter was cheaper because she's smaller. I know that doesn't make any sense, but fuck it, just go with me here. I mean, it's possible that they pay the actors by the pound, right? Although, in that case the fat fuck newsreader would be the highest paid actor on the show so maybe not. Fuck, leave me alone.) he prays that his business will be a success. He’s interrupted though by a damn midget (really) who tells Vorenus that his presence is requested by Mark Antony.

Cut to Antony’s, where he’s standing buck ass naked in his courtyard getting measured or something for . . . a new toga? I don’t know. The key thing to take away here is that he’s buck ass naked, with his dick flapping in the breeze, when Vorenus shows up with the midget. Read that sentence again and then you’ll start to understand just a little of why this show is so amazing.

Anyway, Antony dismisses the midget, who’s named Cato, and then Antony is all LOL CATO GET IT BRO? but Vorenus isn’t laughing. Antony just brushes off Vorenus’ humorlessness and then shoots the shit with him, asking him how civilian life is going. Antony is still buck ass naked this whole time by the way.

Antony then tells Vorenus that he could have him crucified for desertion, but he says it all casual like, which for some reason makes it both more menacing and funny. Vorenus is all I DID MY TIME and then starts in with “It is you who . . .” and then checks himself and Antony’s eyes get all big and he’s all YEAH BRO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY? Vorenus knows he’s stepped in it now but he plows on anyway. He explains that once over the Rubicon, Romans are citizens, not soldiers and then starts blathering on about how legally that was the only thing he could do but Antony just rolls his eyes and is all YOU A DAMN FOOL SON. Vorenus starts up again but Antony’s HAD ENOUGH. He tells Vorenus to shut the fuck up and is all THINGS CHANGE MOTHERFUCKER and explains to Vorenus that the Republic is straight fucked and Caesar is trying to save it. Vorenus doesn’t buy this horseshit but Antony decides to just let it drop and asks Vorenus what he’s going to do for work. Vorenus explains that he’s going to import goods from Gaul, like truffles and wine and, of course, slaves. Antony laughs at him and is all A GROCER? Which makes sense because I know that every time I get groceries, the first three things I always pick up and put in my cart are some truffles, a couple of bottles of wine and a few slaves.

Anyway, Antony gives Vorenus shit and is all YOU WON’T MAKE IT BRO YOU’RE A SOLDIER and then finally gets to the point, telling Vorenus that he and Caesar need him because they have a shitload of fighting ahead. Vorenus is all FIGHTING AGAINST OTHER ROMANS NO THANKS but Antony sternly explains “Blood is blood.” He continues to goad Vorenus, all WOULD YOU REALLY LET THE 13TH RIDE WITHOUT YOU and then tells Vorenus that if he returns he’d get a promotion, an induction into the Evocati as a prefect of the first grade with a signing bonus to boot. Vorenus is tempted but is all I MADE MY CHOICE. Antony looks disgusted and is all YOU GRIEVE ME VORENUS and then tells Vorenus to get the fuck out but before he leaves he tells him that the next time he sees him he might not be so kind. Oh, daaaaaamn.

Cut to Casa de Vorenus where Niobe is getting her fortune read by some hag who can apparently tell the future by, uh . . . cutting raw meat? Anyway, the fortune teller tells Niobe that the signs are uncertain when it comes to whether or not Vorenus will find out about the bastard child she had with another dude while he was off slaughtering hella Gauls but, on the bright side, the signs say that Vorenus will be rich as hell. Niobe is all WELL THAT’S SOMETHING, ISN’T IT? Typical woman amirite?

Elsewhere, Ata is getting all gussied up, picking out wigs and shit while Servilia does the same at her place. Servilia is all nervous and asks her slave what she looked like eight years before. Her slave is all HEY FUCK IT THE ONLY ASS CAESAR’S GOTTEN IN THE LAST EIGHT YEARS HAS BEEN UGLY OLD BARBARIAN ASS and Servilia seems mollified. She asks her slave how she looks and her slave tells her “like flowers”. Servilia says “In bloom?” Her old ass slave just gives her a wry smile and then walks away without comment. Heh. Menopause jokes in ancient Rome. Hell yeah.

Cut to Caesar and Posca in the streets, where Caesar tells Posca how much he should spend bribing various officials. Posca is all shook because they are running out of cash and tells Caesar that they must kill some rich dudes soon and take their money. Caesar insists that he won’t kill anyone unless absolutely necessary. Posca makes fun of him a bit, all HEY YEAH THAT’S A GOOD STRATEGY BRO but Caesar shushes him and says “Later you may nag me.” Heh.

Caesar then walks away from Posca, who’s basically his real wife, to meet his official wife, Calpurnia, who’s some old hag. She’s all I LOOK OKAY? Caesar takes a moment to compose himself, probably because it’s quite likely that his wife has a penis, and is all YES, VERY REGAL, and it’s clear that he’s just looking for a diplomatic way of telling her that she’s a plain old broad who he has no interest in ever fucking.

Meanwhile, Vorenus is throwing a shit fit because no one has come to his feast. Niobe reassures him but he’s all Vorenus like and morose and depressing but Niobe is sweet (probably because that fortune teller just told her Vorenus is gonna be rich) and gentle and tells him that people will come. She also tells him that when they do to be nice and to, well, to basically not be himself.

Just then, some dude named Erastes Fulmen shows up. He’s apparently the guest of honor because he’s a rich fucker who runs shit in that part of town. Basically, he’s like a modern day crime boss. He’s all friendly and he and Vorenus go off to shoot the shit when Niobe notices her sister and her husband show up. And, of course, her sister’s husband is the rat motherfucker who boned Niobe when Vorenus was off killing dudes. Niobe is nervous as fuck but her sister, Lyde, assures her that everything is cool.

Just then, Vorenus comes over and is actually really friendly for a change. He’s all LITTLE LYDE even though Lyde looks older than Niobe and then he shakes hands with the rat motherfucker, who’s named Evander, and thanks him for providing him with the pig for the feast. Vorenus is all friendly while everyone else is shook as fuck because they know that with one slip of the tongue Vorenus will run fucking wild on all of them. Good times!

Meanwhile, at Atia’s, Caesar’s party is underway. The guests have all arrived. Caesar isn’t there yet, but Atia is playing the good hostess. She greets Servilia, and is patronizing as hell and they basically stare daggers into one another. In an aside to her slave, Atia is all SHE CLEANS UP NICE BUT SHE’S STILL OLD AS FUCK CAESAR CAN DO BETTER.

Cut to Caesar marching slowly down the street to the party, surrounded by some hard ass soldiers. They show up and bang on the door and Caesar basically looks all Gangsta as fuck. The door opens and Caesar’s herald is all EVERYONE BACK THE FUCK UP HERE COMES THE MAN. Caesar enters and Atia, along with Octavian and Octavia bow at his feet. He’s all COME ON NOW IT’S JUST YOUR UNCLE GAIUS but it’s pretty clear he loves this shit. He then tells everyone to chill the fuck out and lift their heads. He then goes around the room, checking everyone out and everyone is all nervous as hell. He stops in front of Servilia and is all SERVILIA OF THE JUNII? DID I GET THAT RIGHT? His wife has to stop herself from rolling her eyes at this ridiculous bullshit and deadpans “Delightful.” Heh.

Caesar tells Servilia that he’s sorry that Brutus isn’t there with her and Servilia is all I’M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE HIM HE STILL LOVES YOU and Caesar tells her that he gets it completely and to tell Brutus that they’re cool and will never have a reason to fear him. He uses this as a springboard to tell all the guests to chill and that none of them have any reason to worry – no matter where their allegiances lay in the past.

Cut to Quintus and his assholes riding into the city. They disguise themselves as random peasants and manage to get through the city gate, but not before the city guard tells them to stay away from the decent women. Right on.

Back at Vorenus’ feast, Erastes Fulmen and Vorenus shoot the shit and talk politics. Erastes is all I BET YOU HOPE YOUR MAN CAESAR WINS but Vorenus is all HE’S NOT MY MAN and Erastes looks surprised. They talk about business and Vorenus tells him his plans for an import business. Erastes tells Vorenus that he has friends, and if he needs any help to just come to him. The whole time they are talking, Evander is making eyes at Niobe and is basically openly lusting after her and Lyde, Niobe’s sister, looks incredibly depressed, like she’s about to cry and Niobe is terrified that Vorenus will see and shit will get raw.

Back to Atia’s where the head priest is carrying on about some bullshit and basically sounding like the most effete dude who ever loved. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. Caesar and Antony keep looking at each other like JESUS THIS DUDE IS FUCKING UNREAL but because they need him they humor him and agree with every stupid thing he says. They kiss his fat old ass and he just laps that shit up even though it’s obvious they are just buttering him up.

Meanwhile, Atia chides Octavian for being too quiet and not mingling and Octavian actually says “You know I cannot talk small, Mother.” It owns in its utter haughtiness. Atia just shakes that off and tells Octavia to rattle off some poetry. She does and it’s an incredibly depressing poem and Atia is all UHHH . . . and then explains to Servilia that Octavia just lost her husband. As usual the interplay between Atia and her kids is fucking hilarious and awkward as hell.

And back to Vorenus’ feast yet again, where everyone is living it up, dancing and basically getting drunk and all the other fun things you do at a party. Lyde is shitfaced and doing the Roman equivalent of dirty dancing with random dudes while Evander just stands in a corner and watches. Niobe is all OH FUCK THIS IS BAD and looks panicked as hell, but Vorenus still hasn’t noticed anything because he’s busy trying to kiss Erastes' ass. But Niobe’s friend, the nosy neighbor lady, sees what’s up and tells Niobe that it was a mistake to invite Lyde. Niobe is all SHE’S MY SISTER IT WOULD BE FUCKED UP IF SHE DIDN’T COME but she knows this is a bad situation.

Anyway, her friend takes it upon herself to tell Evander to drag his drunk ass wife the fuck out of there before Vorenus puts two and two together and runs wild. Evander tries to make her go but she’s all FUCK YOU ASSHOLE and then threatens to tell Vorenus what went down between him and Niobe. Naturally, he freaks the fuck out and is all HE’LL KILL US ALL and I just love how even though Vorenus is essentially the show’s hero, everyone thinks he’s a fucking psychopath who will just butcher everyone all the time. Lyde breaks down and starts hollering and crying WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME? Niobe’s had enough and she confronts Lyde and is all SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PROMISED NOT TO SAY ANYTHING but Lyde is all raw now and starts hollering at Vorenus, calling him a blind fool and shit. Thankfully, the music is still jumping and so no one is paying too close attention to her drunk ass, otherwise, yeah, it’s killing time.

Vorenus finally notices all the commotion though and gets up to go see what the fuck is going on. Lyde is fucking hysterical by this point and Evander is just trying to drag her drunk ass out of there but she won’t cooperate and in the struggle, the couple backs into the table holding the bust of Janus’ head and it falls to the ground, shattering. Oh shiiiiiiiiit. Vorenus looks like he just got cornholed by an elephant.

Back at Atia’s where things are a bit calmer. Caesar approaches the head priest again, but not before taking Posca aside and asking the name of the dude's wife. He sits down with the priest and is all HOW’S YOUR WIFE BRO I THINK I FORGOT HER LAST BIRTHDAY WHAT SHOULD I GIVE HER AS A GIFT? The priest seems confused but seems to figure it out quickly enough. Meanwhile, Antony has parked himself on the other side of the priest.

The priest is all MY WIFE IS A WOMAN OF EXPENSIVE TASTES. Antony and Caesar play along and up the amount of the gift/bribe but the fat assed priest still insists on haggling, telling them that she would dress her slaves in silk if he’d let her and that she eats oysters for breakfast daily. Antony, that raw motherfucker, leans in and says “She should be most careful. People often choke on oysters.” He says it with a smile, but he’s still dark and menacing as hell, which is fast becoming the Antony trademark. The priest looks like he just shit his pants and when Caesar throws out another number he stumbles all over himself accepting it. Antony owns so hard.

Caesar and Antony get up and leave once they’ve made themselves clear. They’re done with his fat ass and he knows the score now so they don’t need to waste their time with him anymore. Caesar tells Posca to make a note of the bribe and Posca is all WHAT THE FUCK? when he hears how much it is. They need money. And fast.

Quick cut to Quintus and his men stalking the streets looking vaguely menacing and then we cut to Casa de Vorenus, or more accurately the square in front of the house, which is now empty, with the exception of Niobe, who is busy cleaning up the broken statue and Vorenus, who’s just sitting with his head in his hands looking completely dismayed. Also, I should mention that Niobe looks hot as hell all prettied up in this episode. Why should I mention that? Well, why the fuck not?

Anyway, she tells Vorenus that they will go to the temple tomorrow and ask for forgiveness but Vorenus is all NO NO WE STRAIGHT FUCKED THAT WAS A BAD OMEN AIN’T NOTHING GONNA FIX THAT SHIT and then adds that Lyde and her dipshit husband are BANNED FOREVER from Casa de Vorenus. Goddamn. That’s some harsh shit right there but Niobe is all OKAY COOL, all relieved because, well, you know . . .

Just then, fucking Quintus and his assholes show up and are all CENTURION LUCIUS VORENUS? Vorenus is all WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? Quintus announces his presence and Vorenus is all GET THE FUCK OUT HOW DARE YOU COME HERE but Quintus’ boy pulls a sword on Vorenus and Quintus is all WHERE’S THE GOLD MOTHERFUCKER? Vorenus doesn’t know shit because, remember, Pullo stole that shit and rode off with that slave girl at the end of the last episode. Quintus gets all raw and is all I ASSUME THAT THIS WHORE IS YOUR WIFE and then orders his men to grab her. Vorenus is all LOOK MOTHERFUCKER I DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT NO GOLD. Quintus is all BULLSHIT and the two start arguing. The whole time, Vorenus has a sword to his throat but he’s not having this shit. Quintus tells him that he knows he was chief scout but Vorenus is all YEAH SO FUCKING WHAT I DON’T HAVE THE GOLD ASSHOLE.

While they are arguing, we see a bunch of slaves carrying a litter. It stops just in front of the entrance to the square. Quintus and Vorenus keep going back and forth and finally Quintus is all FUCK IT and orders his men to cut Niobe. We then cut back to the litter, which has been lowered enough so that we can see that it’s carrying Pullo. Oh shiiiiiiiit. Quintus, you and your boys are about to get STRAIGHT FUCKED.

Quintus and his boys notice Pullo coming and quickly withdraw their swords and pretend like everything’s cool. Pullo gets off the litter and tosses a bunch of gold in the air and all the slaves go wild and chase after it. Man, Pullo owns. Anyway, he has that slave girl with him and they both look happy as shit. Pullo is all dressed up in fancy robes and she’s all dolled up too, like white trash that just won the lotto.

Anyway, Pullo sees Vorenus and is all WHY SO SERIOUS? He keeps walking and it’s then that he sees Quintus and his boys. They are all just standing around and none of them are making any threatening moves or anything but right away Pullo knows what’s up because he’s a raw motherfucker and he knows when dudes are ready to get down. He makes sure the slave girl knows to keep back and then struts on in, all bowed up and confident. He’s all WHAT’S ALL THIS THEN? Quintus gets all pompous and introduces himself. Pullo acts all mock impressed and asks what the fuck he’s doing there. Vorenus carefully explains the bullshit about the treasury gold but Pullo just laughs it off. Quintus gets all dickish and calls Pullo a peasant. Pullo just smirks and tells him “You be off now short ass and take these scum with you.” Oh, shiiiiiiit.

Of course, it’s on. Quintus gets all pissed and pulls his sword but Pullo tosses a bunch of money in the air and while all of Quintus’ assholes are distracted, he attacks and he and Vorenus of course beat the fuck out of everyone while Niobe hauls ass back to the house. The highlight of the brawl is probably Vorenus repeatedly slamming Quintus’ head into a table. 7 or 8 on 2? Fuck it. When the two are Vorenus and Pullo, that shit doesn’t matter.

Cut to the interior of Casa de Vorenus now, where Vorenus sits at his kitchen table with his head in his hands, all dismayed, while Pullo sits over a knocked out Quintus and ties him up. Pullo is all LET’S PUT THIS FUCKER IN THE RIVER AND THEN GO DIG UP THE REST OF THE GOLD AND THEN HAUL ASS FOR THE COAST AND MAKE OUR WAY TO SPAIN. Vorenus tells him to shut the fuck up because he’s trying to think and Pullo is all WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT IT’S A GOOD PLAN and Vorenus loses his shit and is all FIRST OF ALL IT’S A MONSTROUS SIN, SECOND OF ALL YOU JUST RODE AROUND TOWN ON A FUCKING LITTER AND EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU DID AND WHERE YOU ARE AND WE’RE ALL FUCKED THANKS A LOT BRO and Pullo is all OKAY SO THEN WHAT SHOULD I DO? Vorenus tells him he has to take it back, bring Quintus with him to sweeten the deal and then beg Caesar for mercy and forgiveness.

Pullo is all FUCK THAT but Vorenus is all IT’S NOT ADVICE BRO IT’S A FUCKING ORDER. Pullo starts arguing, saying that he was coming to share all the gold with his boy Vorenus but Vorenus has HAD ENOUGH. He barks at Pullo again, and Pullo straightens up like a good soldier. Vorenus is all exasperated and says “Damn you, my home was invaded and my wife damn near killed on your account!” I don't know why but that made me laugh. I think it's because that's how much of a fuckup Pullo is. He just rode of with some gold and because of it Vorenus' home was invaded and his wife almost died.

Pullo just looks at him like OOPS SORRY BRO and then is all OKAY OKAY FINE I’LL RETURN IT. He’s also all BUT YOU’LL COME WITH ME, RIGHT BRO? Vorenus is all FUCK THAT and tells him that it’s his mess and he needs to get himself out of it. Pullo’s all FINE THEN FUCK IT I’LL BE OFF THEN. He makes sure to salute Vorenus and then scoops up Quintus and off he goes. The interplay between Vorenus and Pullo is great here. Pullo fucking loves Vorenus, man. That’s his boy and he can’t understand why Vorenus doesn’t want to share some of Pullo’s stolen gold. Meanwhile, Vorenus just treats Pullo like an annoying pest, but one that he can’t help but love. Pullo fucked up huge and even after he finally understand what he did wrong he just assumes that Vorenus will come with him because, hey, why not, you know? That’s his bro. But Vorenus isn’t quite where Pullo is and is all HELL NO. Pullo keeps sucking him in but Vorenus is fighting like hell because he doesn’t want to like Pullo, you know? This will be a huge theme throughout the season and the climax of said theme, when it finally comes together and Vorenus has to decide whether to shit or get off the pot when it comes to Pullo, is fucking glorious.

Back to Atia’s where Posca whispers something to Caesar. Caesar can’t hide his surprise and is all YO I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. He hustles outside and Antony jumps up to join him. On his way out, Caesar and Servilia share a lingering look. Servilia smiles because she knows she’ll be getting the fabled penis of the Julii later on. Atia notices all this and looks vaguely panicked.

Outside, Quintus is all tied up and writhing around on the ground in pain. Pullo’s slave girl is sitting all sheepish, unsure of what the fuck is going on and Pullo is just standing there awaiting judgment. Antony bounds out first and says “Pullo, you scoundrel. What have you done now?” Like, of course Pullo would show up at a party with a slave girl and a dude all beaten and tied up, you know? I love it.

Anyway, Pullo tries to explain himself but Antony tells him to chill and is all WHO IS THIS? Pullo explains that it’s Quintus and Antony just starts laughing. He then says “Quintus, my old cock, how good to see you so.” Man, Antony is just the fucking BEST. Really, I can never capture on the page just how cocky and dickish Antony is. It’s his tone of voice, the way he moves, the way he smirks, the way he’s both completely out of control and completely in control of every situation at the same time, and the way he can so quickly flip from jovial to fucking deadly. It’s all of that and so much more. He’s the MVP of this show and on this show, with these characters and these actors, that’s saying something.

Anyway, Pullo tries to explain how he came to be at their doorstep with Quintus all tied up. He’s all HE CAME TO FIND THE GOLD SEE, AND . . . Caesar is all WHAT THE FUCK??? WHAT GOLD??? It’s kind of funny actually. Pullo keeps explaining and Caesar realizes that Pompey doesn’t have the gold and he, Antony and Pullo step aside to have a little conference where Pullo explains the whole story. He apologizes and is all I MEANT NO DISRESPECT BUT THERE WAS THIS GIRL and Caesar is all FUCK WHO CARES ABOUT THE GIRL? and is all JUST TELL ME WHERE THE FUCKING GOLD IS.

Pullo tells him where it’s buried and Caesar looks like he’s going to cry he’s so happy. He looks up at the heavens and is all THANK YOU. Well, Pompey, you fucked, Holmes.

Back inside, a bunch of dancers carry on and everyone is all drunk and laying around like degenerates and it’s a typical Roman Bacchanalia. Atia looks depressed despite all this, probably because she knows that Caesar and Servilia will be fucking ASAP and Octavian looks bored, probably because he’s Octavian and hates everything but power and politics. He wanders away from the party.

Outside, Pullo unties Quintus who is all YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS SHIT and Pullo whips his ass. Caesar is all LEAVE HIM BE and Quintus, showing his appreciation, calls Caesar a traitor and tells him to kiss his ass. Well, then. Pullo beats him down some more and Antony’s all FEISTY LITTLE GUY. Heh. Caesar doesn’t get mad though. He just tells Quintus to go back to his father with an offer of truce. Naturally, Antony is all WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU CRAZY? Caesar tells him to shut the fuck up but he keeps on arguing so Caesar just looks at him and again tells him to shut the fuck up, this time more forcefully, and Antony is smart enough to clam up.

Caesar explains that if more blood is spilled it won’t be his fault but the fault of Pompey and those old fuckers in the Senate. Quintus is STILL all dickish and is all YO MY DAD DOESN’T NEED A FUCKING TRUCE IN TWO MONTHS HE’LL BE BACK AND HE’LL PUT YOUR HEAD ON A FUCKING PIKE. Antony is all JESUS YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE and Pullo gets ready to give him another beatdown but Caesar just orders them to put Quintus on a horse.

Back inside, Atia sits down next to Servilia and is all YOU NAUGHTY WOMAN YOU NEVER TOLD ME CAESAR LIKED TO GET RAW UP IN THAT ASS. Servilia, of course, denies everything but Atia is all I SAW HOW HE LOOKED AT YOU THAT DUDE'S DICK WAS HARD. She patronizes Servilia but Servilia isn’t having that shit. She firmly denies that anything is going on and removes Atia’s hand when Atia starts inexplicably stroking her face and complimenting her on her beauty. Atia then turns to Calpurnia, Caesar’s wife, and is all YO, CALPURNIA, SERVILIA’S PRETTY HOT, ISN’T SHE? She actually says “She has none of the goatishness one normally sees in women her age.” DAAAAAAMMMMMN. Before a giant cat fight breaks out, Calpurnia, who knows the fucking score, says “You’re attempting levity, I believe” all tired like and then basically tells Atia to shut the fuck up.

Outside, Posca is putting Quintus on a horse and Antony is all MAN THAT’S A MISTAKE but Caesar is just all THERE ARE A LOT OF DUDES I’LL PROBABLY REGRET NOT KILLING BEFORE THIS IS OVER and then summons Pullo who looks shook as fuck. Caesar flat out calls him a thief and calls him a fool but because he’s been their boy in the past they’ll overlook his thievery. He also notes that fortune seems to have taken Pullo for a pet and then decides that he’ll even reward him. He tells Antony that when they go dig up the gold to give Pullo 100 gold pieces. Pullo is all FUCK YEAH, thanks Caesar and prepares to be off. Caesar then turns to Antony and coolly and calmly tells him never to question him in front of their enemies. And it’s here that you can see how much Antony has learned from Caesar. They both have that calm and cool way of threatening someone that is utterly unnerving. Caesar is the master and Antony is the student. For now.

Antony, Pullo and a bunch of soldiers then take off to dig up the gold and Caesar turns to Octavian who’s been standing there the whole time, watching all of this unfold. Octavian seems confused and Caesar asks “Why do you frown, little owl?” Octavian explains that Mark Antony makes sense, and that a truce doesn’t seem tactically correct. Caesar says that it depends on the terms and now Octavian gets it. Octavian notes that Caesar offers terms that Pompey cannot accept but which the Senate can. Caesar chuckles, impressed with his grand-nephew’s sharp mind. Clearly, he is grooming the boy for greatness. But, just then, in the middle of a sentence, Caesar goes stone still and Posca catches him just as he collapses.

Posca and Octavian prop Caesar up and walk him to a closet. Octavian is all WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? and asks if Caesar’s been poisoned. Posca explains that the dude is just having a seizure and that it will pass in a minute. He tells Octavian to shut the fucking door. Octavian is all SHOULD WE CALL A DOCTOR and Posca is all FUCK THAT NO ONE CAN KNOW BECAUSE IF THEY DID THEN NO ONE WOULD FOLLOW HIM because apparently having a seizure means your ass is cursed or something. Posca puts a stick in Caesar’s mouth so he doesn’t bite his fucking tongue off and Caesar has his fit. While all this is going on, a slave woman from the kitchen looks on and wonders what the fuck is going on.

Back inside, shit is getting debauched while outside Caesar is thrashing about. The two scenes play out against one another and then the music inside suddenly stops. We cut quickly to the outside where that slave eavesdrops at the door and hears Caesar grunting and carrying on. Naturally she thinks he’s in there fucking the shit out of someone.

In the closet, Caesar regains his composure and makes Octavian swear to never speak of it again. They collect themselves and leave the closet. Caesar and Octavian leave first and the slave woman watches and is all HUH, thinking that Caesar was just in there buttfucking Octavian, which . . . GODDAMN. She turns away before she can see Posca follow them out.

Caesar goes back inside and Calpurnia is all EVERYTHING COOL? Caesar is all IT’S NOTHING SERIOUS BABY and then they tell Atia that they are leaving. Atia looks like she’s going to cry.

Outside, Caesar and Calpurnia discuss the evening. Caesar tells her that he won’t be coming home with her because he's got business to attend to and she gets all pissed because it’s not proper to conduct business at night. Caesar doesn’t give a fuck though because he says he has to prepare to haul ass after Pompey in the morning. Of course this is all bullshit though, because he immediately heads of to Servilia’s place.

We then have several mood shots, including Servilia nervously waiting to see if Caesar will show up to give her some of that thundercock, and Niobe lying wide awake while Vorenus sleeps, presumably shook because of the bullshit with Evander and Lyde.

We cut to Atia sitting alone, crying in her now empty house. Octavian sees her and tries to comfort her. He asks her what’s wrong and she sobs “I’m all alone” and then collapses into her young son’s arms.

Meanwhile, Servilia awaits Caesar, who finally shows up. Without a word, he kisses her and they presumably fuck.

Elsewhere, back at Pompey’s camp, Pompey reads Caesar’s offer of truce and then balls it up and tosses it in the trash. The Senators and Brutus are all eager to find out what Caesar has to say and they dig out the truce, see what it is and are all MAYBE WE SHOULD. Quintus is all beat down but from his back he manages to rip on the Senators. He calls them women and then mutters some shit about how he’ll have everyone raped by dogs. Fucking Quintus, man. Dude just talks a steady stream of shit, even when he’s been beaten half to death.

Anyway, Pompey tells him to shut the fuck up and tells him to get the fuck out. He then asks the Senate to forgive Quintus and then he and the Senators argue about the truce. Basically, Cicero and Brutus want to accept the truce but Pompey and Cato aren’t having that shit. Pompey loses his shit and calls them all women and then he and Cato storm out. Old ass Cato calls them all fools like a dickhead.

Cut to Vorenus praying while Evander tries to woo Niobe back at Casa de Vorenus. Evander is all TELL ME YOU LOVE HIM and Niobe swears that she loves Vorenus. They are all holding hands though and seem very, I guess tender would be the right word, and unlucky for them, Pullo chooses just then to drop by. He just watches them for a moment and it seems like he can’t quite understand what he’s seeing. Niobe sees him and overreacts. She’s all TITUS PULLO WHAT A JOY! Pullo asks where Vorenus is and Niobe tells him he’s making amends at the shrine of Janus. Pullo, by the way, is still accompanied by his slave girl, who looks scared shitless every time they show her. She probably doesn’t have a clue what the fuck is going on. Some big tough dude chucking money everywhere, dudes getting beat down, rich dudes sonning other dudes and lecturing the big tough dude, random people fighting, some Indian woman who the writers inexplicably tried to pass of as Roman having tender moments with dudes who aren't her husband. I mean, at some point wouldn't you stop and be all HEY YO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Anyway, Niobe is all shook, but Pullo doesn’t say anything that would lead her to believe that he’s suspicious. Niobe introduces Pullo to Evander and Pullo just kinda stares at him and then is all EVANDER, HUH? Evander is all nervous, and hey, why not, you know? He wishes Pullo good health and then Niobe makes them both sit down and pours them a drink. Both Niobe and Evander are all frazzled and Pullo just sits and watches them both. He knows the score and they all know it.

Elsewhere, the head priest gets ready to read the auguries. Caesar kneels before him, and the priest motions for some dudes to release some doves that have been prearranged for the occasion. The doves of course fly out and pass across the view of the window, which is a good omen. The head priest proclaims that the auguries are good and then heads out and signals to the waiting crowd that everything’s cool. The crowd goes wild and then we cut to a shot of Caesar, still kneeling, a priest’s hand on his head and a smile creeps on his face when he hears the roar of the crowd. Caesar has just successfully played the whole world.


WHO BONED? All of the fucking was implied in this episode, which, I think, may be the only time that is the case in this series. Anyway, presumably Atia and Antony got it on, and so did Niobe and Vorenus. Caesar and Servilia definitely fucked. Some slave lady also thought Caesar fucked Octavian but we know that didn't happen. Still, in terms of the characters in the show, it is believed to have happened. I don't know if that should count but fuck it, I don't care.

WHO DIED? That dude who was being tortured by Quintus at the beginning of the episode presumably died, but that was about it. Again, we didn't get to see anything which again, may make this the only episode where that is the case. That asshole Quintus did get his ass beat a whole lot though. Also, Vorenus and Pullo beat the fuck out of Quintus' men and even though we never saw any of them die, I don't think they would have just left their dude Quintus there in some asshole's house all beaten up and shit. Then again, I don't think even Vorenus and Pullo could get away with straight up murdering dudes outside of Vorenus' house but who knows?

RAWEST DEATH: Uh, well, I guess it would be the dude tortured to death by Quintus at the beginning of the episode, but I'm going to cheat here and say the rawest fight/death scene was Vorenus slamming Quintus' head repeatedly into his table. Perhaps that is cheating but once again, fuck it, I don't give a shit.