"An Owl in a Thornbush"
We open at Atia’s where Atia is, naturally, whipping the shit out of her slave because she’s all pissed off because Caesar has chosen to march on Rome, which she thinks means that they’re all up shit creek without a paddle – or a boat for that matter. Brutus is hanging around for some unknown reason and he blathers on some exposition while Atia beats the fuck out of her slave.
Cut to Pompey and Cato discussing Caesar’s march on the highway to hell and Pompey is all WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING MY MAN ONLY HAS ONE SHITTY ASS LEGION but Cato is all irritated and clearly shook as fuck. He’s all WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO? and Pompey is all SETTLE DOWN BRO I GOT MY LEGIONS COMING and tells Cato that “the poor man is dead.” Pompey, you silly old asshole. Also, it needs to be mentioned here what a shook old bitch Cato is throughout this whole exchange. For a dude who was pushing war on everybody, he looks like he’s going to shit his toga at the thought of Caesar marching in and sonning his old ass.
Meanwhile, Caesar and the boys are on their way. Caesar tells Vorenus to take the Ubian cavalry, which is basically a bunch of heathen barbarian degenerates on horseback, and scout the approach to Rome and to proceed until they meet resistance. Antony adds that if they don’t meet any resistance they should continue to Rome and nail the notice Caesar gives Vorenus to the Senate door. The notice basically says I’M COMING FUCKERS YA’LL BETTER RECOGNIZE THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. Caesar also makes sure to tell Vorenus to avoid working up a Number Six on the good people of Rome. Also, I should mention that this episode has a disappointing lack of Antony. I mean, he's in a couple of scenes, but always on horseback and just to banter with Caesar. But his glorious day is coming and we will celebrate it then. For now, let's focus on this episode.
Vorenus rides off with Pullo and Caesar is all WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH VORENUS? since Vorenus looks all depressed and petulant and Antony explains that Vorenus is a strict Catonian who thinks that Caesar’s committed a terrible crime and that they will all be punished by the gods. Caesar is all LOLYEAH HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT and then explains to Antony that even though they are probably fucked that he’s just pursuing his legitimate rights. Antony is all OF COURSE OF COURSE all sarcastic like since, honestly, he doesn’t really give a fuck. He just wants to get rich and fuck a bunch of whores and good for him, you know? He knows that he’s Caesar’s boy and the only way he’s getting shit is if he backs his man all the way. Caesar’s his ticket to ride and fuck everything else.
Over to Casa de Vorenus where Niobe is cutting veggies and shit and some dipshit comes slithering in. Niobe is all WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING HERE? He’s just some rat looking motherfucker but apparently this is the dude Niobe got down with while Vorenus was off cold killing fools since he’s all I WANNA SEE MY BABY BOY. Niobe is all GET THE FUCK OUT and YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE ASSHOLE. He gets all pussyish and starts whining HOLD ME to Niobe. Jesus, man, come on. Niobe is all FUCK OFF YOU WERE JUST A MISTAKE and the dude starts blathering about how he won’t give up and that he loves her. Yeah, that’ll end well for you, bro. Of course, he’s all brave now that Vorenus is gone again and tells Niobe that Vorenus is straight fucked since he’s riding with Caesar and Niobe starts crying, clearly conflicted. Then again, her choices are a fucking psychopath who will call her a whore and bitch about how his food is cooked and this simpering puss, so maybe that’s why she’s crying.
Anyway, he kisses her just as her daughter, Vorena, walks in and Vorena is all AW COME ON MOM YOU PROMISED THIS SHIT WAS DONE. Niobe is all I KNOW I KNOW and Vorena starts whining about how maybe she should just tell Vorenus because, after all, he’s a rational, calm dude and he’ll surely understand. Instead of laughing in her face, Niobe is all FUCK THAT HE WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF US, which, well, yeah.
Cut to a camp, late at night where Vorenus sits around looking all depressed while all the barbarian cavalrymen get shitfaced around the fire. Pullo sidles over to Vorenus and Vorenus actually asks for Pullo’s advice on how to deal with women. Pullo’s all HELL YEAH BRO and says “There are girls from Narbo to Thebes that scream my name by night.” Vorenus is all NAW MAN, I KNOW HOW TO FUCK I JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW TO WIN A WOMAN’S HEART. Vorenus then launches into the sob story about how Niobe hates his ass and Pullo is all YEAH? WHAT’S YOUR POINT? Vorenus is all YOU SERIOUS, BRO? Pullo explains that he thought Vorenus was trying to make her unhappy and Vorenus again is all WHAT THE FUCK? Pullo explains that Vorenus is the smart one so he figured he had a plan or some shit. But no, sadly it turns out that when it comes to women, Vorenus is a waterbrained idiot.
Anyway, Pullo is all WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE IN A WEEK ANYWAY and Vorenus asks if he dies who the fuck is gonna honor his memory and pray to the gods and pay for his safe passage through the underworld and all that shit. Pullo tells Vorenus if it comes to it then he’ll do the honors. Awww. And Vorenus seems genuinely touched but explains that it’s not the same and besides, Pullo will be dead too. Heh.
The next morning, Atia meets Timon, the horse Jew from episode one, to explain that she’s throwing a party and needs some security but all he wants to do is fuck. She makes fun of him for wearing perfume and tells him that horseshit suits him much better. Timon explains that a party is a bad idea since Pompey’s men are out to fuck over all of Caesar’s people and that it’s best to lay low. Atia tells him to shut the fuck up and to just do it. Timon’s all FINE FINE BUT IT’LL COST EXTRA. Atia gets all offended and tells him that he’s already been paid enough. But Timon doesn’t want money. He wants some of that ass. It finally dawns on Atia that he’s just a pussyhound and she slaps him. He’s all FUCK IT THEN I GUESS I’LL JUST GO HOME. Atia then is all FINE DO A GOOD JOB AND WE’LL SEE. Timon gets all excited and grabs her titty as she walks away. Hey, why not?
Elsewhere, Vorenus and the boys come upon Pompey’s outriders and Vorenus is all WELL WE BETTER GO and moans about how he’s happy that at least his father isn’t alive to see him become a traitor. Pullo, though, is all LET’S DO THIS SHIT and whips the barbarians into a frenzy. Vorenus is all NO DON’T but they ignore his uptight ass and charge the camp, which is manned by a bunch of shook ass recruits who look like they’re twelve years old. Naturally, Pullo and the boys whip up on them all, but one lone rider manages to escape.
We cut to that lone rider and Pompey and Pompey is all OH SHIT, shook as fuck because Caesar is closer than he thought and Pompey’s legions are too far away to get there on time. There is some more shook ass blathering. Pompey and the Senate are, dare I say it? Yes, buttshook. Pompey explains that the troops that are in the city are little bitches like those shitheads that just got fucked by Pullo and the boys and that the only recourse is to get the fuck out of town before Caesar gets there and after that, they can regroup and come back and fuck Caesar up. Cato gets all sarcastic and makes fun of Pompey for being a cowardly old asshole so Pompey bows up and tells Cato to shut the fuck up and that he’s just an old dumbass. Cato responds by going into histrionics, bellowing YOU HAVE LOST ROME and looking all crazy as shit. Man, these dudes are so fucking sad, all catfighting and shit while Caesar prepares to whip some ass.
Elsewhere, outside of Atia’s party, a mob threatens to fuck their shit up and Atia and her guests fret. Atia is all over the top about it and Octavian is all FUCK CALM DOWN and then Brutus explains that some of her friends haven’t abandoned her and Atia stops her bitching long enough to thank Brutus and his mom, Servilia, for sticking with them in these dark and trying times.
Elsewhere, Pompey and his family prepare to leave and Pompey gets lost in thought and seems vaguely overwhelmed by the fact that he just got sonned by Caesar. In fact, his ugly old wife is the one barking orders at people and has to remind Pompey to raid the treasury before they leave. Pompey is all OH SHIT MY BAD and then tells his man to go swipe all the city’s money before they leave. Pompey’s wife comforts some kids – I’m assuming they’re hers from an earlier marriage – and then Pompey’s all LOL SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT BABY and she’s remarkably sweet and good natured about it all. Pompey is all EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT but he looks old, tired and vaguely shook.
Back to Atia where she bitches and carries on about how they’re all about to be raped and beaten and then killed. She tells Brutus and Servilia that they might as well spend the night because ain’t no one traveling the streets tonight.
Elsewhere, Pompey’s boys raid the treasury and then prepare to depart. One problem: the soldiers accompanying Pompey’s man decide to take all that sweet ass gold for themselves. They merk the dude and then ride off on their own. Oops!
Quick cut to Pullo telling Vorenus that the best way to woo a woman is through “the warm, beating heart of an enemy.” He insists that women are all lying when they say they don’t like that shit. According to him, it makes them “wetter than October.” Vorenus just laughs and is all PULLO YOU DUMB FUCK THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. So Pullo is all UH YOU COULD TALK TO HER. Of course, Vorenus is taken aback by this stunning bit of advice and is all TALK? WHAT THE FUCK? He’s all WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE TO TALK TO A WOMAN ABOUT? and Pullo explains that it doesn’t matter and that you have to treat a woman like a horse, all soothing and shit. Heh. The whole conversation owns in its utter misogyny.
Vorenus thinks on this and then is all ANYTHING ELSE? And this is where the conversation goes from awesome to the fucking best thing ever. After telling Vorenus to tell Niobe that she’s hot, he explains the g-spot to Vorenus. It’s awesome. He’s all THERE’S A SPOT JUST ABOVE HER CUNNY (his words) . . . and Vorenus seems at first amazed and then is all WHAT??? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT NIOBE? Pullo explains that all women have them and Vorenus is all GODDAMN and walks away, embarrassed.
Meanwhile, the soldiers ride off with Pompey’s gold and come across a pretty slave girl. They grab her and throw her on the cart.
Elsewhere, the mob outside of Atia’s has now procured a battering ram and are slamming it into the door. Inside, Atia calmly goes about assigning everyone a suicide partner so they can die with honor without being raped and beaten first. She’s all I’LL KILL OCTAVIA AND THEN YOU CAN KILL ME to her slave and makes sure to explain that he must kill himself because his survival would be “inappropriate”. She asks Octavian who he wants to have kill him and he’s all I’M A BIG BOY I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and she coos and fawns over him. She then offers Servilia the use of her slaves if she needs someone to kill her and Servilia is all NAH WE COOL and then Octavia is all MA I DON’T WANT YOU TO KILL ME BECAUSE I’M STILL ANGRY WITH YOU and Atia gets all exasperated and then they start arguing about a bunch of bullshit and Octavia gets all bitchy about how Atia ran Glabius off and Atia is all I PISS ON THAT FOOL. Octavia bitches some more and Atia is all WHATEVER and breaks out the old passive aggressive “I will not argue with you anymore” and tells her slave, Castor, to be sure to cut Octavia’s throat before he offs Atia and then Octavia one ups her mother in the passive aggressive game by being all NO NO PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CUT MOTHER’S THROAT FIRST IT WOULD BE UNDAUGHTERLY OF ME TO MAKE HER WAIT and the whole time Octavian is trying to tell them to shut the fuck up because suddenly it’s gone all quiet and all the rioters are gone. The whole scene is fucking hilarious in just how casually they all treat the idea that they’ll be committing mass suicide any moment now.
Timon cautiously goes outside and while the door and walls are all beat to shit and graffitied up, sure enough everyone is gone.
Cut to the fat fuck city newsreader announcing that Pompey has gotten the fuck out and that everyone is ordered to leave Rome or be considered an enemy. A bunch of noblemen trudge out of the city in a line and they’re all flanked by a bunch of citizens pelting them with trash and calling them a bunch of cowards. It owns.
Cut to Casa de Vorenus where Niobe gets prepared to board up the windows to keep the rioters out since the city is now officially lawless. She yammers back and forth with a neighbor friend, some hen who is all YOU DON’T SEEM SO HAPPY ABOUT VORENUS COMING BACK and Niobe is all conflicted and shit.
Cut to Brutus ranting and raving about Pompey running away like a bitch and then he whines to his mother about how they are in an awkward position. If they stay, they are declaring themselves for Caesar but if they leave, they are taking Pompey’s side. Servilia is all SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO and Brutus whines some more about how Caesar is their oldest and dearest friend but he’s also a criminal and if they stay with him they’ll get fucked up by Pompey when he inevitably returns to whip Caesar’s ass. He’s all shook and conflicted but Servilia is calm and just tells him to choose. Brutus is all FUCK IT WE’RE GOING WITH POMPEY and then tells her to get her shit ready but she’s all YEAH I’M STAYING and Brutus throws a shit fit but she’s resolute, since Caesar is her man and all that. Brutus basically made this decision because he thinks that Pompey will win in the end, which . . . lol nice one, dude.
Anyway, they argue some more and Brutus flips the fuck out and says that Servilia is just thinking with her lady dick (I imagine Pullo explaining this scene to Vorenus) and that they’ll get her a nice stud slave to come fuck her and be done with it. Heh. Servilia stays remarkably calm throughout all of this, especially because her son basically just told her to stop being a dumb slut. She’s all I’M STAYING AND THAT’S FINAL and Brutus is all irritated but he knows it’s useless to try and talk her out of it and so he gives in and leaves without her.
Elsewhere, a slave sneaks Octavia out of the house and Atia’s lady slave tells her what happened and she’s all FUCK THAT WE’RE GONNA PUT A STOP TO THIS SHIT. Of course, while all this is going on, Timon is trying to fuck her and she’s all HELL NO GET YOUR MEN and he’s all whipped and is all YES MA’AM. Heh.
Back to Octavia, who has snuck out to see Glabius. She’s all YOU BETTER GO EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE POMPEY’S BOY but he reassures her that everything’s cool and he’ll be gone by sunrise. He leads her to his bedroom where they get it on.
Later, Glabius leaves, only to run into Timon. He throws Timon a bag of money but Timon, all calm, tells him that it isn’t a robbery. Glabius figures out what’s what and is all ATIA THAT BITCH and then tells Timon to at least let his men live. Timon’s all UH SORRY BRO and Glabius decides to be a hero and makes his man or slave or whatever give him his sword. He makes a move and Timon guts his worthless ass. Goodbye, Glabius, you were too useless for this world.
Elsewhere, Niobe sits and sings a lullaby to her baby while she sits and looks out over the city and listens to the sounds of lawlessness.
Meanwhile, Vorenus and Pullo have a conversation about stars that sounds suspiciously like weed talk. Pullo wants to know what stars are and Vorenus explains to him that they are tiny holes in the sky. Pullo marvels at how tiny they are but Vorenus explains that they’re actually big, it’s just that they’re so far off, they look tiny. Pullo wonders if they’re big enough for a man to climb through and Vorenus is all LOL YOU IDIOT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO AND BESIDES YOU COULDN’T GET UP THERE. Pullo claims that he could get up there if he grabbed hold of a giant bird and hitched a ride. Vorenus laughs at him and tells him no. Pullo asks him why not and Vorenus tells him “it’s philosophy.” Vorenus is actually really patient with Pullo’s stoner talk and it’s clear the two are bros now.
Back to Rome, where the streets are empty and the remaining noblemen scrape and bow at Atia’s feet for favor now that her uncle is set to be king dick. Of course, she extorts the shit out of them and they hem and haw and she’s all LET’S NOT BE VULGAR and they of course agree to buy her favor. Atia owns.
Cut to Pompey and the Senate and their men marching, looking all dour and shit. Cato is all shook because Pompey’s man hasn’t returned with the gold yet. He starts bitching and moaning about how they won’t be able to afford to pay the men and Pompey tells him to shut the fuck up and that he “frets like an old woman.” Heh. Pompey is confident that his man will be back with the gold soon and then they’ll have more than enough to pay the legions and that they’ll be back before spring.
Cut to Vorenus, Pullo and the barbarian cavalry. They’ve reached Rome and Vorenus can’t figure out why they haven’t been stopped. Pullo is all FUCK IT WHO CARES? but Vorenus is more cautious than that and thinks it’s a trick, unless of course, the gods have abandoned Rome. Pullo says that maybe the gods were “having a crap and missed it” and Vorenus is all COME ON BRO SHOW SOME RESPECT and then lectures Pullo and the barbarians about how it’s that lack of respect that led them to this mess.
Vorenus and Pullo then ride on a bit, trying to figure out what’s going on and, of course, they come upon the soldiers with the stolen treasury gold. They’re dressed like drovers though and Vorenus suggests they stop and ask them if they know anything. Pullo notices the pretty slave girl all tied up behind the wagon and can’t take his eyes off of her. Vorenus talks to the disguised soldiers who tell him that Pompey has run away like a bitch and that the city belongs to Caesar and his men. Vorenus is all WHAT? and they’re all YEAH, REALLY and explain what went down.
Pullo asks how much for the girl, but they tell him she’s not for sale and seem in a hurry to move on. Vorenus notices this and is all WHAT YOU GOT IN THAT WAGON? He also addresses the lead dude as “soldier” and the dude gets all shook and is all WHAT? WE’RE NOT SOLDIERS but Vorenus is all WELL YOU GOT SOLDIERS SHOES ON and then openly wonders why nine soldiers would be guarding a grain wagon. The soldiers flip the fuck out and attack and Vorenus and Pullo, along with their barbarian cavalrymen who just then decided to make their presence known, run wild and kill some dudes and then chase the other ones who run away on foot. Pullo looks back at the girl, wanting to stay with her, but he reluctantly heads off in pursuit of the fleeing soldiers. The girl remains tied to the back of the wagon, and the team of oxen pull away, leaving with the girl and the gold while Pullo and Vorenus and the boys take care of business. They kill everyone, with the exception of the lead soldier from the wagon, who cowers in fear after escaping.
Back to Atia’s where more noblemen kiss her ass and she plays it up for all its worth. A slave enters the room and whispers something in her ear and she rushes out to find Glabius’ corpse loaded onto a wagon, completely drained of blood. Atia is all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, feigning shock and outrage like a fucking jedi level lying, manipulative bitch and Octavia runs out and mourns her husband’s corpse and Atia is all SEE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LISTEN. Hahahaha. Atia is the best.
Vorenus and Pullo lead their barbarians to the city but Pullo wants to go back and explore that wagon, and, of course, that slave girl. Vorenus is all NAH THERE’S NO TIME and he and Pullo argue until Vorenus loses his shit and starts hollering at Pullo to shut the fuck up and do his duty. Pullo calls him a mean bastard and tells him “That’s your problem, you’ve got no love in you.” He tells Vorenus that he can sweet talk Niobe all he wants but that she won’t believe him because she knows he’s a dick. Vorenus just clenches his jaw and rides ahead while all the barbarians just sit there and probably wonder when it became cool to shit talk the captain to his face.
Back to Atia’s where she fawns over Octavia, who apparently passed out or something after finding Glabius’ corpse. Atia feigns sorrow and Octavia stares at her and Atia is all HOW CAN YOU EVEN SUSPECT ME? all guilty like and Octavia is all WAIT . . . WHAT? not even suspecting anything until Atia brought it up. Octavia is all DID YOU DO IT? and Atia gets all indignant and is all HELL NO HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT and then calms down and swears that she had nothing to do with it. Octavia buys this because she is a moron and the two embrace. Meanwhile, Octavian, standing in the doorway is all WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT, MOTHER? It almost seems like he doesn’t buy her bullshit but he doesn’t give a fuck either way. Atia is all HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW THE STREETS ARE FULL OF CORPSES. Octavian is all HEH and frankly, so am I.
Vorenus, Pullo and the boys march into Rome. The streets are empty. There are some dogs rummaging around but that’s about it. Vorenus takes Caesar’s notice and just like Antony said to do, nails it to the Senate door. Caesar’s voice over tells us that in addition to saying I’M COMING FUCKERS it also offers amnesty to everyone and is generally all I’M WILLING TO LET BYGONES BE BYGONES IF YOU FUCKERS ARE but that he’ll whip anyone’s ass who fucks with him.
After pinning the notice to the door, Vorenus stomps off, and strips his armor and shit off as he goes. Pullo is all WHERE YOU GOING BRO? and Vorenus is all I QUIT I’M GOING HOME. Pullo bitches about how that’s desertion but Vorenus is all LOL WHO CARES WE’RE ALL CRIMINALS ANYWAY and Pullo is all NO YOU CAN’T LEAVE THE 13TH but it comes across more like NO YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME BRO and Vorenus gets about as tender as Vorenus ever gets, hands Pullo his sword and says goodbye. Pullo looks sad.
Vorenus lights some candles and prays to the gods in the hopes that Niobe will love him as he loves her. He cuts himself and offers his own blood as a sacrifice. Cut to Niobe praying and then a hand grabs her shoulder. She looks up and it's Vorenus. Cut to her washing his feet and he tells her “you’re very beautiful” and then he pretty much apologizes but she’s all PLEASE DON’T, seeming uncomfortable with it all but Vorenus has to get this shit out and he tells her that when they married she was only thirteen (Goddamn, if you told me I had to get married when I was 13, I probably would have panicked, run away, and then masturbated. Panicked and run away because I was scared and masturbated because, well, that was the default reaction to everything at that age. Then again, I am 30 years old now (Nooooooo!) , and my reaction would probably be exactly the same - panic, run away, masturbate. Maybe not in that order. After all, I have matured.) and basically they were dumbass kids and then he went away and now all he knows is soldiering and in his own way, he is basically following Pullo’s advice to just talk to her. Niobe is crying and seems like she both wishes he would just stay an asshole so she could hate him and feels guilty because she fucked around. Really, she almost needs Vorenus to be a dick so she can live with what she did. If he’s all nice and loving like he’s being here, it just makes her feel like a shitty wife and a rotten ho.
Anyway, she can’t take it and is all IT IS I WHO HAS DONE WRONG and then she breaks down. Vorenus steps up and tells her that the past is the past and that they will start again. They embrace, and the marriage is back on.
Elsewhere, Pullo is out riding and he comes upon the slave girl, passed out in the dirt behind the wagon. He looks smitten and she looks barely alive. He cuts her loose and then finally looks in the wagon. It’s loaded with chests and he opens one. He quickly closes it but his face is all HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT and he’s breathing all hard and ragged. He opens another one and it’s pretty clear why those soldiers were so adamant to keep on moving. He uncovers the rest of the wagon to reveal, like, a dozen chests all the same size and presumably all stuffed with gold. He’s all OH FUCK and then he hears a bunch of drums and horns in the distance and realizes that Caesar and his army are just around the corner. Naturally, he covers up the wagon, grabs the girl, ditches his horse, throws on a cloak, and desperately tries to get the oxen to move. He manages to do so just as Caesar, Antony and the gang come into view. He jumps on the wagon and starts making off with the gold.
Meanwhile, Antony congratulates Caesar for being calm even though he’s entering Rome “as a bloodstained conqueror.” Caesar says “Well, I’m glad I appear so.”
Caesar then notices the wagon slowly pulling away and thinks nothing of it. After all, it’s just a grain wagon to him and Pullo slowly manages to escape with a shitload of stolen gold while Caesar orders his men to play more cheerful music since they’re about to enter Rome as conquerors.
WHO BONED? Octavia and Glabius definitely fucked and Timon and Atia seemed to be just about to fuck before she ordered him to kill Glabius.
WHO DIED? Some of Pompey's soldiers were butchered by Pullo and the Ubian barbarian cavalrymen, Pompey's dude sent to collect the treasury gold was killed by traitorous soldiers who then made off with the gold, Glabius was stabbed and killed by Timon and the traitorous soldiers who stole the gold were killed by Pullo and the Ubian cavalrymen.
RAWEST DEATH? There was really only a single one on one death in this episode but it was pretty raw. Glabius attacked Timon and Timon just calmly gutted his worthless ass.
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