Dallas Season 2, Episode 1

"Reunion Part 1"

9/23/1978

Ooooooh, a two parter! This episode is now considered the first episode of season two, although some purists contest that it is in fact the first episode of the actual first season. Pro Tip- If you consider yourself to be a Dallas purist you probably should just kill yourself right now. Hope that helps!

The episode opens with Ray Krebbs pulling up to Southfork with a truckload of hay while Jock, Miss Ellie, JR, Sue Ellen, Lucy, Pam and Bobby are enjoying themselves around the pool while Raul, Teresa and all the other Mexican servants not important enough to have names wait on them hand and foot. JR is going over some business related papers. Sue Ellen is doing a crossword puzzle. Lucy looks like she's bored of being rich and slutty. Bobby and the recently miscarried Pam frolic in the pool. Jock and Miss Ellie are guzzling mojitos. Sue Ellen is stuck on a five letter word for water markers. JR looks up and sees Pam's huge tits poking out of the water as she does the backstroke and mutters out "buoys". Hey! Another Dallas laugh track moment! Pam and Bobby engage in a playful round of water games, thankfully not involving urine or fecal matter. Jock sternly warns Pam to take it easy, on account of her recently having a dead baby taken out of her uterus. Pam rolls her eyes and Miss Ellie tells him to step off. Jock then loses yet another game of backgammon. I have always been perplexed as to why the Ewings chose backgammon as their family game. The late 70's were the golden age of board games, and the fact that they chose such a lame ass, vanilla game like backgammon kinda goes against the Ewing family credo of "WE HAVE COOL SHIT THAT YOU CAN NEVER AFFORD!" Literally everyone can afford a backgammon board. With their kind of money and amount of property they owned, the Ewings could've easily hired a bunch of Mexicans and hunted them for sport. The idea of Jock having a den where the walls are covered with mounted human heads makes me glow with happiness. I can imagine JR keeping a framed picture of him, Jock and Bobby all kneeling over the body of a particularly crafty farm hand they had to track for three days before finally gunning him down. Dallas as a show was pretty untouchable, but it's the little details like this that drive me insane sometimes, ya know? Anyway, like I was saying. So Pam and Bobby get out of the pool and Jock once again tells Pam to take it easy. She tells him she's fine and storms off. She's still mad at Jock for epically sonning Digger at the BBQ. You can totally see Pam's nipples through her bathing suit. They appear to be normally shaped, but with salami sized arreolas. Which is cool, I guess.

Apparently there is a big time cattle auction coming up that Jock is all excited about. JR doesn't seem to give a shit. Bobby won't be able to attend because he's going to Vegas on family business. Sue Ellen sees this as the perfect opportunity for JR to spend some quality time with Jock and volunteers him to go. JR isn't too keen on this, but once Sue Ellen reminds him that Jock hates his guts and loves Bobby he relents, but not before putting her in her place. Miss Ellie mentions that their long lost son, Gary, was the true cowboy of the family. After the name "Gary" is spoken, no one has anything to say. Lucy finds this to be humorous.

Pam and Bobby go inside. Pam calls Bobby out on not telling her that he was going to Vegas. He tells her that he didn't tell her because it was going to be a surprise. They're BOTH going! Musical cut scene! A nice little montage airs of the Vegas strip. Now, I SWEAR TO GOD that when I first watched this episode in syndication back in like... '84 I think, that they used Viva Las Vegas for this montage. Now, with licensing fees being what they are, we are treated to a Las Vegas strip montage with the Dallas theme song. Sure, the Dallas theme song is bad ass and all, but unless it's playing over a bird's eye view of Texas, it just doesn't fit. As Bobby is shaking hands and giving hugs to a bunch rich white folks a weird, child molester looking fellow creeps up behind him and gives a strange, knowing look as Bobby walks away. HMMMMMM.

Meanwhile, back at the cattle auction Jock is sitting in the stands with Ray, JR and Lucy, grinning like an idiot as the auctioneer sells off cattle. Lucy tells Jock she wants to go to a western store, so he gives her some money and tells her to take Ray. She tells Ray to buzz off, she's sneaking out again! Pam's idiot cousin Jimmy shows up to pick her up. Lucy tells Ray if he doesn't let her go that she's going to tell Jock about their previous bonings. Ray lets her leave with Jimmy, even though he's now played by a different actor!

Billy takes her to a little shit hole diner called "The Hot Biscuit". A quick search on Urban Dictionary reveals that "hot biscuit" has two meanings.

1- A woman that is so hot she makes you melt like the butter on a hot biscuit.

and

2- To look stupid;bad;ugly;rough

This Jimmy may somehow be an ever bigger clod than the original. A blond, comely waitress is wiping down tables. Lucy walks up to her a gives her a hug. Turns out that Lucy has found her mother, Valene!

Back in Vegas, the last of Bobby's party guests leave. There's a knock at the door, Bobby opens it and a hotel servant walks in and announces that it's clean up time. Bobby tells him that he and his wife are about to go to the pool, but the man insists on cleaning now. Bobby has had enough of this man and grabs him and turns him around. It's the child molester looking guy from early. This is his long lost brother, Gary! Bobby is excited! The brothers embrace. Pam comes walking down the stairs and sees her husband hugging the shit out of some other dude and is all WTF? Bobby introduces her to his BROTHER Gary!

Valene and Lucy are sitting outside. Val tells Lucy the story about how Gary statutory raped his way into her heart. They ended up getting married shortly there after. She tells Lucy how great everything went until she met his family. They weren't cool on Gary marrying an under aged nobody.

Gary is telling Pam and Bobby the story about how he got $40k in debt gambling, got his ass kicked and got on the booze. He says the way he stopped drinking was by becoming a bartender and he quit gambling by becoming a blackjack dealer. Pam tells Gary that they both share a hatred of JR!

Lucy tells Valene that they should get an apartment together. Val says no way, JR will have her killed. He already tracked her down once before, when she left the state with Lucy when she was a baby. Jimmy picks Lucy up and they take off.

Bobby tells Gary that Lucy is growing up to into a fine woman. Pam tells Gary that's not entirely true and stops just short of telling him his daughter is a whore. Bobby picks up the phone and tells Gary that he's calling home to tell Miss Ellie that Gary's coming home with them. Gary's like WHOA SLOW DOWN, MAN. He's afraid of JR still. Bobby tells him not to worry, it'll be cool. Gary is undecided. He tells them that he'll meet them for dinner. Pam doesn't believe that JR and Jock will go easy on Gary.

At dinner Gary tells Pam that he doesn't hate JR or Jock anymore, but he doesn't need to see them. He says he misses Miss Ellie but he can live without her too. But the one person he can't live without seeing again is Lucy. Bobby walks in and says that he just bought 3 1st class tickets so they can all go home!

Back at Southfork Miss Ellie comes running outside babbling on like a damned meth addict. She tells Jock that Gary's coming home and that no one is to leave the house today. She then turns her attention to JR and tells him he better be nice to Gary... or ELSE. She then tells Jock not to be a dick to Gary and no putting up walls and Jock unleashes on her and tells her that he has a son he hardly even knows. "I'm not thinking about putting up walls! I'm thinking about tearing 'em down! You ought to know that, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen tells JR that he's going to have yet another brother to contend with. JR walks inside and pours himself a drink. Sue Ellen keeps harping on him. JR tells her that Gary's weak and always runs away when shit gets real.

Lucy heads down to stables and tells Ray that she thinks they should start boning again. Ray's not interested. She says Jimmy's not man enough for her. She throws herself at Ray, who pushes her away. Just then, Pam, Gary and Bobby pull up in Bobby's faggot car. Gary gets out and gives Miss Ellie a hug and shakes hands with Jock as Ray looks on with a pair of binoculars. Lucy has no idea who Gary is so she runs up to the house. Father and daughter have a nice, tender moment.

Bobby is telling the family about how he stumbled upon Gary. JR says that no one wants to hear about this. Jock demands that they all clear the air, right here, right now. He even challenges them to punch him in the mouth! Of course, no one takes Jock up on this offer because he's Jock Ewing and they're all a bunch of bitches. JR takes the opportunity to apologize to Gary. Gary says they're cool. Air cleared, apparently.

Gary gets up in the middle of the night for a glass of milk. Bobby joins him. They share memories about how they used to get up and drink milk in the middle of the night. Miss Ellie walks in and tells them how happy she is to see them sitting at the table, sharing stories about sitting at the table. Bobby goes to bed. Miss Ellie tells Gary how much she missed him. Gary says that he's glad he came home for a visit. Miss Ellie says UH, NO SWEETIE, YOU'RE HOME FOR GOOD. Gary looks a bit... perturbed.

The next morning Lucy grabs Gary and tells him he has to take her to Fort Worth because she has something to show him. They pull up to the Hot Biscuit. Valene is happy to see Lucy, but she sees Gary and gets all retarded.

Back at Southfork, Pamela gets a call from her Aunt Maggie. Digger is in the hospital, detoxing. Bobby offers to go with her, but she doesn't think bringing the son of the man who clowned his ass so royally is a good idea.

Valene is dropping plates and spilling drinks left and right while Lucy and Gary sit down and watch. Gary asks how she found Val. Turns out Val found Lucy. Val's boss finally gets sick of her knocking shit over so he tells her to take a break. Gary tells her that life at the ranch is good and that Val still looks good. He tells her that she should come back to the ranch with them. She doesn't think JR would like that. Gary says that he's got JR handled. He tells her everything has changed now. This time, Val's a legal adult. Then Lucy comes over and asks her to come back to the ranch with them. Val finally gives in. Lucy wants it to be a surprise. Val insists he call first. Gary calls first.

Jock hears that Digger is in the drunk ward. Jock laughs. Bobby tells him that he's mean and Jock tells him to STFU. Raul gives Miss Ellie the phone. Miss Ellie walks out and says that Gary is bringing Valene back home. JR is all WTF? I TOLD HER TO STAY OUT OF TEXAS! Jock and Miss Ellie say it's fine for her to come to the ranch. JR says she's a tramp. JR goes inside and calls his book keeper and tells him he wants him to take one of their shitty companies they were going to liquidate and to cook the books to make it look like it's making money. He's going to put Gary in charge of this shitty business, so that when it loses money he'll freak out and run away again. Will JR succeed with his diabolical scheme? We'll find out in part two!

People who got punched: No one

People who boned: Jock and Miss Ellie

Memorable JR quote: "Are you finished? Now Sue Ellen, don't you ever try to tell me how to run my business. Ewing Oil is bigger than it ever has been. You know why? It's real simple honey, it's because of me. And I got brother Bobby running errands so fast he hasn't even found the washroom yet, and I don't think he ever will. So if you want to keep sleeping between those satin sheets, don't you ever try to tell me how to run my business!"