Dallas Season 1, Episode 5

"Barbecue"

4/30/1978

(This is the 5th and final episode of the 5 part mini series that is now referred to as season one.)

Everyone in Texas knows that there ain't no party like a Ewing party because there is a pretty good chance you'll get to bang Lucy or possibly the eternally sexually frustrated Sue Ellen. Also, they have more money than the Pope and serve top shelf booze and have an army of live-in Mexican servants who work for them out of fear that Senor JR will have them deported or killed. Sounds good, right? Nothing could possibly screw that up. Well, actually there is something that could ruin a Ewing BBQ: Digger Barnes!

The episode opens with Bobby going for a morning jog before stopping to shoot some hoops as a band of black and brown folks work their asses off, preparing a grand party for the Ewings and their fellow rich friends. Bobby sees Jock and informs him that his former business partner and Bobby's father in-law Digger Barnes is going to attending. Jock is pissed as hell that Willard Barnes is going to be setting foot on Southfork.

Pam is getting a sober Digger all gussied up for the BBQ. Digger has some reservations about going to the party. Cliff flat out refuses to go. Her dumb ass cousin Jimmy is going to the party for some reason or another, but not until he puts on a shirt that Pam approves of! Pam tells him that if he pretends to be a hayseed Lucy might take interest in him. If the previous 4 episodes have taught us anything it's that Lucy will take an interest in him simply because he has a penis. Digger reminds us of his hatred of Jock Ewing. He tells the tale of how Jock had all the business sense of the two, but that Digger could smell where to drill the oil. He also tells us that Jock robbed him blind, stole the mineral rights, blah blah blah. But that's not the worst of it. Apparently, long before Jock came along ol' Digger was slappin' skins with Miss Ellie and that Jock stole her from him as well! Now this grudge is making sense. I know if I had staked claim to a fiiiiine piece of ass like Miss Ellie and my business partner rode up and snatched her away, well, I'd become a bitter old drunk and neglectful father too! Digger gets so wistful while talking about his old relationship with Miss Ellie that he appears to be about 2 seconds away from running off to the shitter and tugging on lil' Willard, if you catch my drift. And yet despite his hatred of Jock and the heartbreak of losing out on Miss Ellie, old Digger Barnes is going to set foot on the grounds of the one place on Earth where he is the least welcome simply because his daughter asked him to. Awwwwww.

Pam pulls up tp Southfork in Bobby's faggot car. Sue Ellen is out yelling at the help while Lucy prances around like the teenage cum dumpster she is. Pam tells Lucy that her simple ass cousin Jimmy will be attending and that he's not her type. Well, little does Pam know that Lucy is an enormous slut, and the only men who aren't her "type" are the dead ones. Also, since she lives in Texas I feel it's pretty safe to assume she's not into black dudes either. America was a different place back in 1978, what can I say? Pam walks inside and calls the doctors office. She calls to get results from a test. She test positive... for PREGNANCY! Pam is elated! She tells the showering Bobby that she's home. Bobby gets out of the shower and she greets him with a riddle: What do you get when you cross a Barnes with a Ewing? Bobby tells her that you should NEVER cross a Ewing! This is one of the rare Dallas moments where a laugh track wouldn't have been out of place. She tells him that there's two possible answers: A boy or a girl! Bobby gets excited! On a personal note, I find that to be the absolute weakest, most bullshit pregnancy riddle ever told. Off the top of my head I am going to make up 3 pregnancy riddles better than Pam's.

Q- "What is the one thing on Earth that can naturally make my already huge tits even bigger?"

A- "This fetus growing inside of my body!"

Q- "What do drinking, abortions and Judo all have in common?"

A- "They're all things I won't be doing for 9 months because I'm PREGNANT!"

Q- "Who's got two thumbs and is about to get swollen ankles and gain a shit load of weight that she'll probably never lose?"

A- "This girl, right here!(points to herself) I'm pregnant!"

See? It's not that hard.

Folks are out drinking and dancing and such. Sue Ellen is out cavorting with a senator. Ray brought some random ho to the party. Bobby sneaks off to tell people the good news. Lucy is dressed like a whore and JR introduces her to the new secretary at Ewing Oil. Lucy informs her that since JR hired her she'll end up boning him. Miss Ellie checks in with stereotypical Negro #3 to make sure there's enough booze when she notices Digger Barnes make his entrance. Retarded cousin Jimmy is left to fend for himself until Pam finds him and shows him around. Stereotypical Negro #3 offers Bobby his congrats on knocking Pam up. Ray is drinking and dancing as Lucy looks on, somewhat lustfully. This will be soooooo wrong in a few seasons. Lucy tells Ray that Pam is with child and Ray seems less than thrilled. Stereotypical Negro #3 tells Stereotypical Negro #4 that Digger Barnes is at the party and that Bobby married his daughter. That's why Master Jock is off tying a drunk on by himself. He walks over to S.N.#4 and tells her the tale of how Digger blames everything on him. Bobby walks up and tells Jock that him and Pam have something they want to tell him, Miss Ellie and Digger all at the same time.

Miss Ellie explains to Willard that she chose Jock over him because of The Depression and that Jock's money saved the ranch. Willard says he understands, but that under no circumstances is she or anyone to ever refer to him as Willard ever again! Sue Ellen walks up to Lucy and says some passive aggressive, bitchy stuff to her. Lucy says they're all extra excited about Pam and Bobby's big news. Sue Ellen hasn't heard this news. Lucy tells her about the impending baby. Sue Ellen does the Vince McMahon Adam's Apple bob thing. She can do that because she cold has a penis. JR is off yucking it up with some rich white dudes. Sue Ellen goes over to Pam and gives her the most insincere congrats ever, then downs a couple drinks. She walks over and grabs JR and tells him that due to his lack of interest in making sex with his tranny wife that baby brother Bobby has just moved into the lead in the race to squeeze out a Ewing grandson to be the heir of Ewing Oil. Apparently they were all smart enough to know that putting Ewing Oil in the hands of the first born grandchild, Lucy, was a laughable proposition. JR is so stunned by this that he removes his rose tinted glasses!

The party continues and Sue Ellen keeps drinking. Lucy finds Pam's retarded cousin Jimmy and basically invites him to set up camp between her legs. He doesn't pick up on the signals and continues to eat. Lucy is perplexed. Jock is confused by why Digger Barnes is at his house. Sue Ellen is drunk and telling a bunch of old ladies that JR doesn't fuck her anymore. You can actually see Sue Ellen's mustache in this episode. The old white ladies are confused. She goes so far as to tell them that Jock loves Bobby more than JR. At this point the old white ladies are wondering if they're seeing some form of performance art.

We at last have the reunion of Jock and Digger! Jock isn't happy about it. Bobby springs the news on the grandparents to be, and Jock and Digger decide to bury the hatchet for the good of the future grand baby. They shake on it, and then Jock storms off. A television pregnancy! These never end poorly!

JR is drinking his ass off. Jock and Digger decide to share a drink. Jock drinks his brand, while Digger has a grape soda because he's on the wagon. Jock says he's going to spoil the grand baby. Digger tells him no. Jock says yes. Digger tells Jock that he's stolen his money, his girl, his daughter and now he's going to steal his grand baby too. Jock says he's the same old Digger. Digger says he's not the same and that he's forgiven Jock. Jock says that he did nothing that he needed to be forgiven for and that he was the one who was forgiving Digger. Digger says NU UH and shit gets wild. Miss Ellie and Pam try to calm things down. Jock tells Pam that the reason Digger ended up with nothing is because Jock seized control of the partnership because Digger was gambling and drinking his half of it down the crapper. He tells Pam that Digger "has been a loser every day of his life who couldn't even kill me the time he tried". Digger has no reply. Jock walks away. Ms. Ellie tries to comfort Digger, but Digger decides to seek comfort in THE BOTTLE!

Digger is now pants shittingly drunk, stumbling around the dance floor while slurring out a stirring rendition of "The Yellow Rose of Texas". You are witnessing a once proud, briefly sober man come crashing down to rock bottom in devastating fashion. It is... amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I tracked it down on YouTube just for you! Why? Because I love you. Enjoy! Awesome, right? Jock is happy as hell watching his long time rival make an ass out of himself.

Bobby tells Jock that he's mean! Jock tells Bobby that this is his house! Pam sees drunk Digger and is angry! Bobby and Pam decide it's time to leave. JR is drunk and rubs it in! He sits down and drinks with Digger. Pam hops in Bobby's faggot car and goes looking for Jimmy. She finds him whoring around with Lucy in the hayloft. Pam tells him he needs to take Digger home. Bobby finds Sue Ellen drunk and riding a horse. JR walks over and she tells him that she wants to take her clothes off and play Lady Godiva. More like Lady Godiva with a DICK. JR tells Bobby that Pam is a whore. BOBBY DECKS JR! Bobby takes drunk ass Sue Ellen back to the house as JR lays on the ground.

Pam is sitting up in the hayloft, watching the party. JR sees her and makes his way up. He tells Pam that they got to find a way to get along. She tells him he's drunk. He shows off the fat lip Bobby just gave him. Pam tells JR that her and Bobby are moving out. JR says they can't because it'll breakup the family. Pam says they can and they will. JR grabs her arm and pleads with her. Pam pulls away and falls the fuck off the hayloft. Probably not good for the baby. Why is it that the one person not drinking at the party is always the one who gets seriously injured? This is why I'm an alcoholic!

Bobby is sitting on the porch, sad. He informs his parents that Pam lost the baby and it looks like she might not be able to have kids. JR tries to plead his case to Bobby. Pam is in bed, weeping. Bobby apologizes and tells her that they're going to GTFO of Southfork. Jock comes in and tells him they shouldn't leave and that he believes JR went to barn with the intention of apologizing. Jock then gives Pam his finest possible attempt at an apology and asks her not to leave so he won't lose another son. Pam agrees to stay.

JR and Sue Ellen are outside. She asks if he pushed Pam. He says he didn't. She asks if he's sorry that she lost the baby. He says nothing. Sue Ellen and her mustache head off to the house. The episode draws to a close with JR drinking a cup of coffee, by himself.

PEOPLE WHO BONED: Jock and Miss Ellie

PEOPLE WHO GOT PUNCHED: JR by Bobby

MEMORABLE JR QUOTE: Sue Ellen: "Did you push her?" JR: "I did not." Sue Ellen: "Are you sad that she lost the baby?" JR: "o_o."